


When the past comes knocking...

by Brook



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-31 23:29:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 27,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brook/pseuds/Brook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amanda Rollins moved to New York for a fresh start and to get away from the people in her past. But when they come back to haunt her will her fellow detectives be able to help her? Or will she trust no one and self distruct before she can be saved?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Amanda Rollins sighed as she pulled the door shut behind her. Today had been a long day and she was tired. She had known from the start that the music teacher they’d arrested, mister Jackie, had been innocent but nobody had believed her. Now his career had been ruined forever and that wasn’t fair. 

Rollins was angry at her team for not trusting her judgment and annoyed that she was still seen as a rookie. She’d been in New York for over two years now, it was about time they started to treat her as an equal.

But Amanda wasn’t going to let it trouble her tonight. She walked over to the kitchen and made her favorite kind of hot chocolate, with just a little touch of cinnamon, to get rid of some of this damn cold that felt ever present. Then she settled on the couch with the mug in her hands and the remote control within reach. Sipping her coco she watched the cooking channel until she’d set the mug aside and she fell into a deep sleep.

She awoke after what felt like only five minutes cause something heavy was laying across her entire body. The room was now covered in total darkness and her muscles tensed as an intuitive response to danger. This couldn’t be good. 

Amanda tried to get up but as soon as she moved she heard a chuckle and she froze again. “Awake at last” a raspy voice whispered in her ear and she shuddered. But this was no moment to panic and she responded as calmly as she could “Who are you?”. The question was followed by another dark chuckle and the voice answered “I’m your worse nightmare and I’ve come to settle a score”.

Rollins first though was that it might be Murphy, but he was safely locked up in prison and the voice didn’t match. “That’s not an answer” she said shrilly, panic slowly seeping into her mind. She tried to think clearly but it was proving to be very hard. She had to think, how was she going to get out of here? Her hot chocolate mug should still be somewhere within reach, if only she could grab it she could knock this guy on the head and maybe escape to her bedroom.

As luck would have it the guy let go of her arm so he could stroke her face. Amanda pretended to shrink back but her mind was occupied with her hand. She felt around and her fingers finally graced the cold stone of the cup. Rollins placed her hand around it, the adrenaline finally kicking in and swung her hand towards where she thought his head would be with all her might. 

And her plan had worked. The man lost his concentration for only a second but it was enough. Amanda pushed him off of her and scrambled over the couch as quickly as possible. Her only goal now was to reach her bedroom so she could lock herself in and call the police. 

Unfortunately the intruder had already recovered from the attack and Rollins could hear him coming after her. She reached the door in time and quickly locked it. It wouldn’t keep him out for long but long enough to call 911. 

The phone was on her nightstand and she quickly dialed the number “911 what is your emergency?”. “This is detective Amanda Rollins, there is a man in my house and he’s trying to get through my bedroom door. Please send the police as soon as possible”. 

Right at that moment the man broke through the bedroom door and he launched himself at Amanda, who was forced to let go of the phone as her roughly threw her on the bed. “You really shouldn’t have done that, bitch” he said as he pulled out a knife and put it to her throat. “Now I’m gonna have to” slash “make you” slash “suffer” slash. With each emphasis he slashed through her blouse and into her skin, starting at the top and ending at the bottom so that her stomach was now completely bare. Amanda could do nothing but scream in pain, his knees were sitting on her arms and she was completely defenseless. 

The perpetrator then put the knife away and Amanda could hear more than she actually saw, since the only light came from the moon outside, that he unzipped his pants. “Please don’t” she begged him “please”. Hot angry and shameful tears started to stream down her face but he merely laughed as he undid her pants and tore apart her panties with his knife. 

He continued and pulled her jeans down and she started screaming “No, no, no, no!” but he didn’t listen, they never listen. 

And then he was inside of her. He pushed inside roughly and it caused Amanda incredible discomfort but she did was silent. She was really crying now. How could this have happened again. After everything she’d been through to get a fresh start and it was happening again. 

Suddenly the purps head snapped up at the sound of sirens and he quickly got up. He went through the window and left Amanda there to wait for the police. 

She took got up quickly and pulled up her jeans. There was no reason they had to know what had really happened. She forced herself to stop crying and just in time cause a few seconds later two officers came walking in. 

“Ma’m, are you okay?” the tallest of the two males asked as he flicked on the lights and his eyes grew wide at the sight of her. Amanda looked down too, she did look terrible and she cleared her throat and forced herself to calmly answer “Yeah, I’m fine”. 

The officer did not look convinced but dropped the subject for now “Did you see where he went miss?” he asked her instead and she answered “It’s detective and yes, he went through that window and down the fire escape”. 

He nodded and turned to his slightly husky partner “Call in SVU and CSU while I check the alley and see if he lingered”. The other man nodded and went back into the living room. The remaining officer focused his attention to Rollins once more “I guess you know the protocol then?”. Amanda nodded in return “I’ll stay here and wait for CSU while you check if he’s still here, but I can tell you now that he won’t be. Your sirens scared him off”. 

As the officer followed in the purps footsteps out the window Amanda was left alone, shaking and sitting on the bed with nothing on but her torn clothes.


	2. Chapter 2

Not five minutes after Amanda'd been left alone her entire team came bursting through Amanda's bedroom door, her partner Fin Tutuola, and Nick Amaro and Olivia Benson. She crossed her arms across her chest in hopes of saving some o her dignity. They're eyes were wide with shock and they lingered in the doorway, unsure of what to do.

Silence reigned until Amanda couldn't take it anymore "Hello to you to" she said with a grim smile on her face and she hoped it was convincing. Nick was the next to speak up "Fin, why don't you and I go talk to the responding officers" and he guided Amanda's partner out of the room.

Liv watched them go and then slowly walked over to Amanda. The younger detective winced ever so slightly, she couldn't stand the sympathetic looks in her colleagues eyes, which didn't go unnoticed by Olivia.

"What happened Amanda" Benson asked, trying to sound professional but failing to keep some of the sympathy out of her voice. And Rollins started telling how she'd woken to him being un top of her, how he'd turned out all the lights, how she got away and how he broke into her bedroom. Then she stopped, she liked Liv enough but also looked up to her and she didn't want the older detective knowing Amanda had been raped, again. So she lied "He was about to unzip his pants when he heard the sirens and he ran out".

Olivia who had been taking notes in her notepad now looked up, she looked completely unconvinced, just like the officer had, but didn't press the issue. The important thing was to get Rollins to Melinda Warren and checked out.

"Okay. Why don't you go pack a bag" Liv said "And then I'll drive you to Melinda and the hospital". Rollins was about to protest but Benson cut her off "I know you're probably fine, or you think you are, but you're getting checked out and we need any evidence we can find". And Amanda knew she was right, so she compliantly threw some clothes into a bag and followed the brunette to her car.

When the two women got to Melinda Warren's office she was already waiting for them. Someone had obviously called ahead. Melinda led Amanda to the examination table and started making pictures, being as swift and professional as was possible given the situation. Warren then scraped the evidence from underneath Rollins' nails and took swabs of any possible evidence.

Amanda had patiently sat through the examination, highly aware that Liv was standing in the corner and that the time would soon come that she had to take of her clothes. They were evidence after all. But she knew that the other women would notice her torn panties and the questions that would follow made her very nervous.

And sure enough not a minute later the dreaded words came out. "sorry Rollins but we have to bag your clothes now. You can change into this gown behind the screen" Warren said as she pointed towards a screen in the corner.

It was no use to argue and Amanda strolled over to the corner. "You can give your clothes to Liv so she can bag 'em". Great, Amanda thought, that's just what I need. But she did it anyway, starting with her blouse which was torn of anyway and then her bra. She put on the gown before she started on the bottom part of her outfit.

First her shoes, her socks, her jeans and then it was time for her panties. She realized she should've started with the bottom half, that'd given her a good excuse to stay behind the screen, but it was too late for that now and she reluctantly handed her lingerie to her colleague while stepping into view once more.

The effect the torn lace had on them was immediately visible on Benson's and Warren's faces, which were filled with horror and disbelieve. Amanda sighed "It's not what you think. He didn't rape me, he wanted to but the sirens scared him off before he could".

Yet again, for the third time that night, it was clear that Amanda's words weren't trusted to be the truth. Especially Liv looked like she wasn't fooled and she proved that by what she said "You should still have a rape kit done. Just to be sure. Besides you don't know what he did before you woke up". Though Amanda was pretty sure she'd woken up the moment he touched her she didn't dare mention this to Liv. She also knew that they'd find evidence of sex but Amanda was a smart woman, surely she could think of a proper excuse for that.

"Fine" she said "I've basically done half the thing anyway, but I'm certain you won't find anything". Benson looked surprised that Rollins was giving in so quickly. In her experience that usually meant that a victim was indeed raped, just too scared and upset to say it out loud.

Liv hadn't known Rollins that long but she knew the southern blond liked to do things by herself and that she'd already been assaulted once before in Atlanta. "I thought I'd have to beg you to do this, why are you giving in so easily Amanda? It's not the most comfortable thing in the world to undergo".

But Rollins was a detective too, she knew Liv was fishing to find something, to have her trip up and admit the full assault "because I know you two won't stop pestering me until I do and I know you're just as stubborn as I am". It wasn't the best excuse but it was enough to get Liv of her back.

After the horribly uncomfortable rape-kit Warren put some bandages on the cuts on Amanda's chest which didn't need stitches in her opinion. Amanda put on a pair of clothes she'd taken from home and she and Olivia got back into the car.

"Where can I take you?"Benson asked. "To the station would be nice. It's nearly time for work and I won't be able to sleep now anyway". Another lie, or untruth really. Amanda knew Olivia wanted to know where to because she wanted to know where Amanda was staying, but Amanda also knew Liv wouldn't approve of her staying in the bunks so she wasn't going to bother her with that information.

They drove to the station in awkward silence and were both glad when they finally got there.


	3. Chapter 3

The day passed slowly for Amanda. She was stuck doing paperwork and all she had as a distraction were the haunting thoughts of what’d happened last night. The captain wouldn’t let her out with fin on the only case that came in that day so she was alone and stuck in her head. 

She’d’ve been happy to go home at the end of the day were it not that she had no home to go to. So when everybody else started packing up and saying goodnight she stayed put and continued on her paperwork.

Eventually Benson and Rollins were the only ones left. Amanda hoped Liv would leave soon so she could go to bed. She was exhausted. Not to her surprise the night had taken it’s toll on her.

When Olivia finally stood up Amanda sighed in relieve. “I’m calling it a night” Liv said to her “Can I give you a lift anywhere?”. “No thanks, I’m good. I’ll just finish up here and then..” But Amanda was rudely interrupted by Olivia “Don’t give me that crap, you’re gonna sleep in the bunks and you’re trying to get me of your back. Well guess what, it’s not working”.

Amanda looked up from her work in surprise “what are you talking about?” but feigning innocence wasn’t the way to go and Liv was now looking very impatient. “Don’t lie to me Rollins. I know because I was just like you once. But you need a good night sleep”.

“I’ll get a perfectly good night sleep in the bunks” Rollins protested, but Benson was having none of it “No you won’t and no offence but you look like a ghost. You need a proper meal and a proper bed and I happen to have a guest room. You’re coming with me”

“Liv, I’m fine, really. I don’t wanna impose” Rollins said, starting to get annoyed, but Liv still wouldn’t give up. “You wouldn’t be imposing. Brian is away visiting family and I haven’t had female company over in forever. Now get up, you already know I’m not going to take no for an answer”.

Amanda knew this was right. Liv wouldn’t budge and eventually Amanda would be tired enough to give in, might as well do it now. She was already tired and a perfectly good bed did sound very appealing. Not that she was counting on getting much sleep in, but at least she’d be comfortable while she lay awake.

So Rollins grumblingly packed her bag and followed the brunette detective to the escalator.

It was only a short walk to Olivia’s apartment, one they spent in complete and utter silence. The silence only ended when Liv opened the front door “This is it, welcome”.

Amanda followed her into a little hall where she kicked of her shoes. More out of habit than anything else, though she also noticed Liv doing the same. They went through a door opposite the front door and entered a comfortable and stylish looking living room.

Almost everything in the room was grey or dark blue of color. A couch stood in the middle facing a tv on the left wall. There was a carpet on the floor which felt soft underneath Amanda’s feet. All in all it was a cozy room with stuff ordaining cabinets and bookshelves all around.

“Nice place” Amanda said awkwardly, feeling like she shouldn’t be here. Liv however was completely comfortable and didn’t seem to notice “Thanks” she replied with a warm smile on her face.

Amanda gestured to her bag “Where should I put this?”. Liv pointed at a door to their right “There’s the guestroom, you can put your stuff down while I start on dinner. I hope you like Italian cause it’s the only thing I can make” she said and she grinned.

Smiling back awkwardly Rollins walked over to the guestroom and entered. It was quite small and plain. There were only a queen sized bed and a cabinet in it yet it was completely full. She noticed another door in the opposite wall that was open and gave a look into the guest bathroom.  
But despite it being small there was nothing wrong with it, and the bed especially looked very inviting. Amanda would’ve loved to just lay down and fall asleep but it would probably be rude to not eat any of Olivia’s cooking so she reluctantly went back into the living room.

Noticing Liv wasn’t there Rollins made her way to the archway to her right which she figured lead to the kitchen and dining room. She found Liv behind the stove with a glass of wine in her hand. A second glass with dark liquid was standing on the dinner table.

Hearing the blonde detective come in Olivia turned around to face her “I poured you a glass of wine. I hope you like red”. Amanda picked up the glass “Yeah, sure”. In reality she wasn’t much of a drinker besides the occasional beer, having grown up with an alcoholic, but she knew it was going to help her sleep tonight so she took a few sips.

“This is really good wine” Amanda noted. Not that she was an expert but it tasted surprisingly well. Liv smiled “It’s one of my favorites. I always have a few bottles in stock, just in case”.

They fell silent again and Olivia turned to the stove to keep an eye on her dinner. Amanda uncertainly went to sit down on one of the chairs by the table, her mind occupied once more by last night, the only noise coming from the bubbling of the food.

Two minutes later Liv started rummaging in cupboards and drawers, taking out cutlery and plates and setting the table. She then put the pan on the table and revealed the pasta that was their dinner.

Amanda’s stomach turned at the sight and smell of it. She was in no way hungry and even though the pasta with meatballs looked incredibly good, she felt herself getting nauseous.  
Olivia had in the meanwhile filled her plate with food and was waiting for Amanda to do the same before she started eating. So Rollins picked up spoon and dumped a serving on her plate, but she knew this wasn’t going to satisfy Benson and she quickly took another spoonful, highly aware that it’d be way too much for her.

They sat about eating, occasionally asking each other polite questions. Where did Liv learn to cook? Was Amanda a fan of cooking? Were there any recipes they liked? Any regions that they especially enjoyed the food of?

Pretty soon though, Amanda realized she couldn’t eat any more. She hadn’t even eaten half of what had been on her plate but she felt completely stuffed, not to mention nauseous. Images of the night before kept flashing through her mind. She needed a good excuse to get to her room.  
“I’m sorry Olivia, I’m really tired and not very hungry at all. Would you mind terribly if I just went to bed?” It wasn’t the best excuse but at least her colleague wouldn’t be able to say no without sounding heartless. And indeed, though Liv looked worried, she shook her head “Of course not, I get why you’re tired. If there’s anything you need, anything I can do… just let me know” and she smiled.

Amanda stood up from her chair and stumbled to the guestroom. Alone at least. She considered briefly laying down without changing into her pajamas but realized that wasn’t a good idea and so she undressed quickly and put on the flannel pants and t-shirt she had brought from home.

After brushing her teeth she turned off all the light and got into the bed. It was as comfortable as it had looked at first sight and Amanda regretted not having drunk more wine.

As she laid there in bed the images kept flooding to the surface.

She felt panic creep up on her. Felt a pressure on her chest as if he was lying there again. She turned to her side but she still remembered all the details of how she had felt during the attack and her heart started racing.

A cold sweat appeared all over her body and she felt herself getting more nauseous as the seconds ticked by. She couldn’t keep it in much longer and she stumbled to the bathroom as a precaution, barely reaching the toilet before she threw up what little she had eaten.


	4. Chapter 4

While Amanda escaped to the guest bedroom Olivia stayed behind in the kitchen. Baffled at what had happened and pondering what Amanda had experienced during the night.

After she had finished her dinner Liv cleared the table and poured herself a second glass of wine. She made her way over to the living room and picked a spot on the couch where she made herself as comfortable as possible. She turned on the tv but more out of habit than interest. Her mind was still occupied with the blond lying in her guest bedroom.

However, not two minutes after she’d settled on the couch, Olivia heard a retching noise coming from the room behind her. Horror struck she quickly stood and ran over, not bothering to knock on the door before she burst through it.

The sight that greeted the brunette wasn’t a pretty one. Her blonde colleague was hunched over the toilet in her pajama’s, shaking visible, whether from cold or throwing up, Liv didn’t know.  
But Liv couldn’t very well leave her on the floor like that and so she quickly strode over and placed her hand on Amanda’s arm.

It was only then that Amanda realized the older detective had come in and she was horrified at how this must look. She was cold and clammy and her hair was hanging in her eyes. Trying to sit up she realized this wasn’t a good idea as she hunched back down over the toilet and threw up what felt like her whole stomach.

Olivia quietly shushed her “It’s okay honey, just calm down”. But as far as Amanda was concerned it was far from okay, she was throwing her guts out in front of a woman she strongly admired and looked up to. In that same woman’s guest bathroom after having eaten her food. Besides that she was worried what Liv ought to be thinking now.

The warmth that was the hand on Amanda’s arm temporarily left her when Liv went to grab the blanket of the bed and get a glass of water. Liv cloaked Amanda in the sheets and then helped her take a few sips of water.

Olivia’s mother instinct was taking over and it felt only natural to comfort the younger woman in her time of need. Even though, or maybe because, they were co workers.

When Amanda felt the nausea subside she slowly sat up a little straighter and gulped down the rest of the water. Olivia looked at her worriedly “Are you sure you can sit up?”. Amanda nodded. “Okay then, I’ll help you to the couch”.

Amanda looked up at her for the first time. Why to the couch? “I’d rather get back into bed” She remarked but Liv was already shaking her head “Sorry but I don’t think so. You’re obviously far from fine like you say you are so we’re going to talk. Tonight”.

The fierce determination in her voice was obvious and Amanda was too tired to protest. Which was exactly why she did “That isn’t fair! I’m exhausted and I’ve been through a lot today. Why can’t you just let me sleep?”.

Olivia looked sympathetic but Amanda knew it was only a front, she’d seen the older detective at work before and knew that Liv was thinking of a tactic.

Sure enough Liv put on her soft voice, the one she used with all victims, not five seconds later “I know, and I am sorry. But that is exactly why we’re going to talk. It’ll eat you up if you don’t and I don’t need Melinda to tell me to know that you didn’t tell us the whole story”.

Flabbergasted Amanda let herself be guided to the couch and sat down. She didn’t even protest when Liv tucked in the blanket, which normally would’ve been way too patronizing for her.

While Olivia bustled in the kitchen and made them tea, Amanda sat on the couch, shivering even though she was wrapped in the blanket, nerves creeping and panic creeping up as she thought about what Liv wanted from her. The one thing she had promised herself to never again do; trust another human being with everything.

When Liv returned Amanda was still shaking and when Liv handed her a mug of tea it shook so violently that the hot liquid splashed over the sides. Quickly taking it away Liv set it on the coffee table and joined Amanda on the couch.

“So do you wanna tell me what happened?” Liv asked. “I already told you…”but Liv cut Amanda of “No you didn’t. You left something out”. Liv sighed “Look I know, I understand, it’s difficult trusting people, even more difficult to tell them the horrifying truth but I can’t help you if you don’t. And you need to be helped cause you’re not fine”.

Shame crept up Amanda’s face “I can handle myself”. Liv smiled sadly “I know you think so, because you’re just like me. And I used to think so too. But after what happened with Lewis… I got help. And I’m not weak for doing so, I realize that now. You need to know that telling me what really happened will only show your strength, not your weakness”.

“And look where that got me last time” Amanda muttered softly, hoping that Liv wouldn’t catch on, but the brunette was a detective for a reason. “What do you mean?” Liv asked.

Amanda looked up at her for the first time since they’d sat down “You know what happened last time. I told my story time and time again and then it got hushed up. I’m not going to put myself through that again”.

Hot tears were welling in Amanda’s eyes and she looked down again so Olivia wouldn’t see. The older detective nodded in understanding. “I promise you” she emphasized “I will not let that happen. I’m going to catch whoever did this and I’m going to make them pay”.

“How can you promise something like that?” Amanda asked weakly “You don’t know who he is, or if you’re ever going to get him, let alone prosecute him”.

“I can promise you I’ll try my very best. But you have got to trust me” Liv pleaded.

And Amanda couldn’t take it anymore. She was so tired and her body ached. So she told her colleague everything. Starting the same way as the last time but this time including the part where he had raped her before running of.

Olivia listened patiently, occasionally asking questions and putting her hand on the blonde’s when the younger woman started crying silently.

When she was finished telling her story Amanda wiped away the tears on her face, angry at her own weakness. But she felt somewhat better. It was nice to let someone in for a change and it felt relieving to have another soul know what had happened to her. Yet it was also the most terrifying and difficult thing she had ever done.

“Here’s what we’re going to do” Liv said “You’re taking the day of tomorrow and you’re going to a psychiatrist. In the meanwhile I’ll tell the rest what happened”.

“No you can’t!” Rollins shrieked and the mere power of the noise made Olivia jump. “I can’t have people looking at me like that again! They’ll all have sympathy in their eyes, just like you do now. They’ll never look at me the same way again and any respect I’ve earned over the past two years will fade to the background. If they don’t trust my judgment now, how bad will it be after they know?”.

Olivia looked confused “What do you mean?”. “You know” Amanda said hesitantly, but if she was going to trust Olivia she had to trust her completely “the way nobody believed me when I said mister Jackie was innocent. And the looks they all gave you after we rescued you from Lewis”.

Liv shuddered at the memory “Look I know we haven’t been completely fair to you, but that’s not going to change just because you were assaulted. Besides those looks will fade away in time. If you get better and you keep carrying yourself with dignity they’ll eventually realize how strong you truly are”. Amanda looked unconvinced so Liv continued “Remember what we told Gia Eskas? If you survive the abuse, you can survive the recovery. I truly believe that you can”.

Their eyes met and Amanda smiled weakly “Okay, I trust you. Just don’t… hurt me okay. I’ve been hurt enough”. Olivia nodded “I promise”.

The conversation was over and both women had come out differently. They knew the bond between them had just changed for the better, grown stronger. And with that knowledge in the back of their minds they sat watching television for the rest of the night, mutually understanding and agreeing that neither of them would sleep tonight, no matter how tired they were.


	5. Chapter 5

The two detectives stood up the next morning at six. Neither of them had slept very well. The entire night had consisted of falling asleep and waking about a half an hour later because Amanda was screaming or kicking or crying. So Olivia had to wake her and they had to fall back asleep again only to repeat the same thing a little while later.

They were both tired and a little bit uneasy. Both women were well aware that the conversation they’d had the night before had changed their relationship forever. Not quite sure whether it was for the best or not, and both highly aware that the other now knew personal details of her life they were walking on eggshells around each other.

Silently the two made their way into their own bathroom to take a shower and get dressed.  
They reappeared into the living room not twenty minutes later, dressed and ready for the day.   
Olivia had chosen a pair of black straight pants and a form fitting grey t-shirt with half length sleeves. Amanda had gone with dark jeans and vanilla colored blouse. The latter felt kind of bleak in comparison with the older detective and was highly aware of the woman’s feminine curves.

Liv Smiled at Amanda sweetly and gestured to the kitchen “I’ll make us some breakfast. Anything you feel like in particular? Waffles? Eggs? Bacon?”. She listed up as many options as possible because she wasn’t sure what Amanda would feel like after being sick.

Amanda merely shrugged. “Just toast is fine, thank you” She said “but I would like some coffee”, she added hesitantly, as though afraid to ask for too much.

But the brunette just grinned and said “great” before she said to work in the kitchen, all the while thinking to herself that this was a great excuse to use the expensive coffee maker she never used and kept in the back of a cupboard.

The tension in the room was tangible. It made the situation extremely awkward and they ate breakfast in utter silence, not even trying to stir up polite conversation. Both women were exhausted and worried.

So they worried about their own things, Olivia about Amanda, Amanda about overstaying her welcome and saying too much and, most importantly, embarrassing herself.

When they had finished breakfast Liv cleared the table and put the dirty plates and cutlery in the dishwasher, waving away Amanda’s protest and offer to let her do some of the work. Liv’s protective and over caring side made her want to take care of the younger detective, and that was exactly what she was doing.

After closing the dishwasher Olivia sat back down at the table and looked Amanda directly in the eye. “I’m heading off to work in a minute. Will you… are you going to do as we discussed last night?”. She looked hesitant saying it, as if she was afraid Amanda would throw another fit, and a red flush of shame crept up on Amanda’s cheeks.

“I… think so” She muttered uncertainly. “I will definitely think about it. But I’m not making any promises” she added.

Olivia nodded and took a card out of her pocket, she’d obviously put it there earlier to have it ready when the moment arrived. “This is the number or the psychologist I’ve been seeing. He’s a very good listener but he also gives pretty good advice and he’s discrete. So if you need to talk, you can always call him. Or me, if you want to”.

Smiling Amanda took the card fro Liv “Thank you, I’ll keep it in mind”.

Liv stood up and grabbed her jacket from the chair next to the one she’d been sitting on. “Then I’m off to the precinct. You can raid the fridge if you like and there’s Netflix on the TV. See you tonight”. And with that Olivia strode away, leaving Amanda to herself again.

For a while she just sat there, enjoying the fact that she was finally alone again. But after a few minutes her head started spinning again and she decided she had to get out, get some fresh air, anything, as long as she wasn’t locked up in here.

So she grabbed her coat from the hanger in the hallway and made her way outside. The chill air felt great against her warm skin and the shock of it woke her up properly.

For the next hour or so she just walked and walked and walked. By the time the sun had set she was walking instinctively, not knowing where exactly she was headed but certain that her feet would carry her to the place she needed to be.

She found herself on a doorstep she’d seen before at half past eight.

Without giving it a second thought she knocked on the door and she heard a lock being turned. The woman who opened the door did so with a surprised look on her face. She obviously hadn’t been expecting any visitors yet, given the hour of the day, and looked hesitant.

But the apprehensive look on her face was quickly changed into one of utter shock as she saw the woman on her doorstep. “Detective Rollins, what are you doing here?” dr. Elizabeth Olivet asked, worry etched in her voice.

“Something happened” Amanda began “And I was just wondering… is there maybe… I mean could you… could you recommend a good psychiatrist?”.

The doctor looked even more surprised and confused now. “Of course. But if you’d like you can also come in and maybe talk to me?” It was a question concealed as a suggestion, a silent plea of trust.

But Amanda wasn’t fooled “I’d rather not”. It came out a lot harsher than she had meant it.

Elizabeth Olivet however wasn’t that easily upset “Amanda I know we didn’t really end it well the last time, but that was under completely different circumstances. I’d be happy to help you now, if you let me”.

The detective and psychiatrist stood there for a while as Amanda pondered over her options. Dr. Olivet spoke up again “I have some time now if you want to, before I have to brief the chief of police”.

This brought Amanda back to her senses and she looked over her shoulder. “You know what, this was a mistake, I think I’m good. But thanks anyway” and without another word the detective stormed off in the opposite direction.


	6. Chapter 6

While Rollins went on her morning walk Benson walked into the 1-6 precinct. She immediately made her way over to the captain’s office and gestured to Fin and Nick to follow her when she passed them. They did so and together they entered Donald Cragen’s office.

He was sitting behind his desk writing an email and looked up in surprise as most of the squad’s detectives walked in.

“We need to talk” Benson stated. Nick shot her a questioning glance but it was Fin who commented “Shouldn’t we wait for Rollins?”. Benson shook her head “She’s not coming in today”. 

As she said this the brunette walked over to the door and closed it firmly so that their conversation wouldn’t be overheard.

“Amanda told me the whole story last night”. Ignoring the look of confusion on her colleagues faces she continued “She was raped”. Benson blurted it out really quickly, as if ripping of a bandage, hoping it would lessen the shock, but certain it wouldn’t.

Her words immediately had effect. Both Nick and Fin looked outraged. The captain simply looked defeated. Olivia could swear she’d never before seen a grown man look so sad. Even with all the strains of this job, all the things she’d seen, this topped everything.

Cragen looked over to her and asked what they’d all been wondering “how do you wanna handle this?”.

“I honestly don’t know” Olivia sighed “I guess we need to see if the rape kit got us any leads or DNA. If it didn’t catching the guy is going to be damn near impossible, just look at how many enemies she’s made only in New York. It’s like looking for a needle in a hay stack”.

At this point Cragen decided it was time to take charge “Okay, you and Amaro go ask Warren if she’s got the results back yet”.

As Benson and Amaro left the captain turned toward Fin “You go over every case she’s ever worked. Both here and in Atlanta. Call them and see if they can get you access. In the meanwhile I have some calls to make”.

Wondering what calls these could be Fin left the office and Cragen picked up the phone. He knew what had happened to his youngest detective while she was working for Atlanta PD and he also knew that he had to ask the tough question. Though he doubted the man was involved, he needed to check up on a certain chief of police.

A half an hour after the meeting in the captains office, Olivia Benson and Nick Amaro walked into the crime lab and towards where they knew they’d find Dr. Melinda Warren.

“Did you find anything?” Liv asked the moment she saw Warren.

“All the usual bruising and tearing. She was definitely raped. We also found semen but it didn’t match any DNA in our database” Warren said and she handed Nick the file. “I don’t care what Rollins told us, there’s no way regular sex would do this kind of damage”.

Olivia sighed “She already told me the truth Melinda. We were just hoping you could give us something to go on”.

“For now I can’t help you, but if you find a suspect I can check the DNA and you can nail the bastard to the wall”.

The two women smiled sadly at each other in understanding and Nick cleared is throat to remind them of his presence. It had the right effect and Liv looked at him apologetically. “Sorry, shall we go?”.

Nick smiled too “Yeah, let’s go”.

So they said goodbye to Warren and made their way over to the car. Before getting in however Nick halted. “It doesn’t make any sense” he said, looking at Liv over the top of the car. “I figured he had to be a disgruntled ex con or something so why isn’t the DNA in the system. And who else would be out to get her like this?”.

Olivia could hear the frustration in his voice and she silently agreed with him, but deciding it was no use telling him this she tried to explain it away “It might be a family member of a con, or a victim that didn’t get justice, or a family member of that victim. Who knows? Maybe she made enemies in Atlanta”.

“We really need to talk to her” he mentioned reluctantly. And Olivia nodded. That was going to be far from a pleasant conversation. Though maybe it’d be better than last night, after all, they were getting used to it now.

Her stream of thought was interrupted by Nick “Do you know where she’s staying?”.

“Yeah, I do” Liv answered “She’s staying at my place”. Nick’s eyebrows shut up like they did so often “Really? How did you get her to agree to that? Never thought she’d want to rely on anyone like that. And she’s stubborn as hell”.

Nick got into the car and slammed the door shut. Olivia quickly followed his example as she heard to car come to life. “Believe me it wasn’t easy. It took a lot of work but eventually I persuaded her”.

Nick snorted and grinned “figures”.

“What?” she asked.

“That it’d take someone just as stubborn to convince her”.

When they got to Olivia’s Apartment, which Nick hadn’t been to before, Liv opened the door and called out Amanda’s name. There was no reply but Liv wasn’t worried yet. They hadn’t slept all that well the night before and she might just be taking a nap.

So Olivia just walked through towards the door of her guest bedroom and knocked. Still there was no reply and now she was starting to get a bit concerned. She opened the door and found the room empty. Wherever Amanda was, it wasn’t here.

“She’s not here” Liv said to Nick. “Relax Liv” he told her “she’s probably just out for a walk or something. Amanda’s a big girl, she can take care of herself”.

Olivia knew this but it still bothered her “I’m going to call her, make sure she’s alright”. And she dialed the number.

After the phone had rung eleven times Olivia gave up and hung up “She’s not answering”.

But Amaro still wasn’t worried “She’s fine Liv. There’s probably a perfectly good explanation as to why she’s not here. Now come on, we’ll go back to the precinct. When we’re there you can call again”.

Olivia was about to protest but she knew he was right. There wasn’t much she could do from here except worry and call every few minutes and that wouldn’t do any good whatsoever. So she obediently followed him to the car and the rode back to station.


	7. Chapter 7

When Amanda finally stopped walking lunch time had long passed. It was her stomach that finally interrupted her musings by growling from hunger. The last time she’d eaten was around six this morning and she needed to get some food into her.

The next thing she noticed was that something was vibrating in her pocket and with a shock she noticed her cell phone was going off. She quickly pulled it out of her pocket to see who was calling her. It was Liv. And there were three missed calls as well.

Shit, Amanda thought, if I don’t pick up now she’ll send the whole squad after me. And so with great aversion she answered the phone “Hey Liv”.

A sigh of relieve could be heard on the other end of the line. “Where have you been?” Liv asked, a note of annoyance clear in her voice.

“I was out” Amanda said. However she soon realized this wasn’t a satisfying enough answer for Olivia, as Olivia angrily contorted “I got that part, what I want to know is why didn’t you pick up when I called you?”.

“You want me to spell it out for you, don’t you? I was at the shrink’s Liv”. This wasn’t technically untrue, but it wasn’t really the truth either and besides that she didn’t need to be mothered and checked up on “I only just turned my cell back on”.

Silence on the other end and then “Oh, right, sorry”.

“That’s okay”. Sure Amanda was lying, but she wasn’t a total bitch, she didn’t want Liv feeling guilty after everything she had done for her.

“Have you eaten anything yet? Maybe we can meet up for lunch?” Olivia asked. Amanda knew where she was going with this and she hesitated, she didn’t want to insult Liv by not taking her up on her offer but lying for a second time today felt like the wrong thing to do.

“I was just about to go get something. And though I appreciate the offer, I’d rather just eat by myself today, if you don’t mind”. She decided honesty was best.

“Oh, okay”. There was a note of disappointment in Olivia’s voice but the older detective obviously knew that asking if the blonde was sure would get her no where so she kept quite.  
“I’ll see you tonight then” The brunette said.

“Tonight” Amanda agreed and then she hung up the phone.

Spending another night at Liv’s was something she wasn’t at all looking forward to. In fact it was pretty high up on her list of things she didn’t wanna do. She didn’t wanna spend another night sulking on Olivia’s couch with the older detective keeping constant watch.

What she wanted was to let loose, be free for a while. Forget about anything and everything that had happened to her the past few days. Amanda Rollins knew exactly what she wanted, but she also knew that it wouldn’t please Liv in the slightest. Yet she couldn’t worry about that right now, she had to make herself the priority.

And so she went back to Olivia’s place, picking up some pizza on the way. She knew the brunette wouldn’t be back until dinner time so she had a couple of hours to get ready. She ate her pizza and instead of immediately getting ready she got into bed first, deciding it would be good to get in some proper rest first.

When she awoke she looked at the clock and saw that it was almost seven o’clock. She’d slept for five hours straight, and not one nightmare had plagued her or awoken her.

She decided it was time for her get ready cause it wouldn’t be long now before Liv came home and she wanted to be gone before she did.

Amanda hadn’t exactly brought the proper attire for what she wanted to do, but if she just wore the slightly see through blouse she had brought with her and kept the upper three buttons open she’d look okay.

After putting on her outfit she went through Liv’s drawers in search of some make-up. Fortunately she didn’t have to into Liv’s bedroom, where she would surely find a mascara, because she found one plus some eyeliner in the coffee table drawer.

When she was completely ready for the night. She took her cell phone out of her pocket and placed it defiantly on the kitchen table, hoping it would convey the message she wanted to send; ‘I don’t wanna be found’.

She took some cash out of her wallet and stuffed it into the pocket that had previously held her cell phone. Then she went outside, closing the front door behind her.

The night was young and the air was chilly. Amanda found it was quite comforting to walk around in the twilight by herself.

With the night being so young she decided it was best to get some dinner first. Although New York clubs never really closed and were full of people at any given time, Amanda didn’t like walking in this early and so instead she walked towards a restaurant.

She enjoyed the Caesar salad she had picked out (pizza held enough calories for one day) and ate slowly. There was plenty of time and she was in no hurry.

After finishing her dinner and paying the bill Amanda left the restaurant again. It was a little past nine now and it was time to go to her final destination.

She started walking the way she needed to go, towards the place where all the best clubs of downtown New York were situated. It was a pretty long walk but she didn’t mind and she knew it would be worth it when she got there.

Amanda arrived there twenty minutes later. Crowds were already forming lines to get into some of the hottest clubs. This wouldn’t be a problem though, she knew that if she played it well she’d get in in no time.

So unbuttoning her blouse even further, she walked over to one of her favorite clubs and made her way passed the waiting people, straight for the bouncer.

The bouncer looked at Amanda approvingly. He’d seen her here before, though not often, and knew she wasn’t any trouble. In fact she’d helped them solve some trouble one time.

With a quick nod and a smile he unhooked the golden chain that was keeping the crowd at bay a let her pass through it.

And with a smirk on her face, Amanda walked through the doors. Ready to get lost in the moment.


	8. Chapter 8

Hours passed as Amanda just danced and danced.

The music was so loud it made her forget everything else for a while. Guys were challenging her, flirting with her and asking her to dance and it didn’t matter. She was fine and they were handsome. She was having fun.

But eventually she got a bit tired and thirsty so she decided to head down to the bar area and have a drink. And maybe gets some rest.

As she sat down and ordered a rum coke she noticed someone had followed her to the bar and took the bar stool beside her. Deciding she wasn’t going to give him attention she defiantly faced the other way and hoped he’d go away.

But the guy was either very persistent or just plain stupid because he wasn’t going to leave that easily. “What’re you drinking sweetheart?” he whispered in her ear and she shuddered as remembered another voice doing the exact same.

Amanda sat there petrified. She wanted to leave so badly yet she couldn’t move.

The man that was hitting on her did move, and for a moment she was so relieved that he was leaving her alone. Until he sat down at her other side and stared right into her eyes.

“Come one gorgeous, let me buy you another round, or five. That way you can get a little tipsy and I can take you home. How does that sound?”. If this was supposed to be a pick up line it was the worst Amanda had ever heard.

Suddenly another voice got mixed into the conversation. “Is this guy pestering you babe?”. It belonged to a fiery red haired woman that was standing behind the pig that was bothering Amanda. “Why don’t you go pick on somebody else’s girlfriend?”.

Both Amanda and the man looked up in surprise, he being the first to respond. “Hold your horses, I’m already going”. And after a last longing look over both women’s bodies he was gone.

“Sorry” the redhead started apologizing “I didn’t mean to put you in a tough position. It just looked like he was bothering you. I hope you don’t mind being called lesbian, it’s effective in scaring the guys away”.

This shocked Amanda back to her senses and she smiled. “No it’s okay, I should thank you really, he was bothering me. Besides you weren’t completely wrong, I’m actually bisexual”.

Now the other woman put her hand on Amanda’s shoulder. “Thank god, I was starting to get worried. It’d’ve been such a loss for gay women everywhere if you had been straight. The name is Rose by the way, Rose McGowan”.

Amanda blushed furiously and shook the hand that Rose was offering. “Amanda Rollins, nice to meet you and again thanks for the rescue”. Without a second thought she boldly blurted out “How about I buy you a drink?”.

Rose was obviously used to these kinds of offers because she smiled seducing before stating what she told the bartender what she was drinking. “Cosmopolitan please”.

The two women spent the next fifteen minutes sipping their drinks and talking quietly while they did so. They told each other no more than some polite chit chat, certainly not enough to form a complete picture of one another. When they’d finished their drinks Rose dragged Amanda back to the dance floor where they forgot everything while they danced together. 

When they’d been dancing for about an hour and a half, the fiery red head suddenly kissed the blonde detective. It wasn’t completely unexpected. They had after all been flirting for two hours now and they occasionally touched sensually while they were dancing, yet it still shocked her a bit.

Soon though she relaxed into it and let the flow of alcohol lead her. The kiss was soft and comforting and who cared about any further consequences?

Not much later at least one consequence revealed itself. Amanda found herself putting on her coat. Then getting in a cab, being guided towards an apartment building, an apartment, a bedroom. Without even realizing it fully she found herself naked on a strangers bed.

Rose’s hands were tangled up in her blonde locks. Amanda’s own hands were on the redhead’s waist. They were making out as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Which in some way it felt like it was.

After a while the soft kissing became more intense. Rose’s mouth moved over Amanda’s body sporadically, planting a kiss every now and then. Or sucking in a bit of skin, biting a little, or even tracing a line with her tongue.

Amanda was completely aroused at this point. But as a pair of hands started stroking her body she slowly started to panic again. Willing herself to stay calm she locked her muscles in position but at the same time Rose reached her vagina and started sucking there, while inserting her fingers into Amanda’s juices.

This drove Amanda over the edge as she was reminded of her rapist inserting himself inside of her. She scrambled of the bed and nearly tumbled over in her haste to get away.

“What the hell?!” Rose screamed, having narrowly avoided getting kicked in the face.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this” Amanda stated as she gathered up her clothes with tears streaming down her cheeks. She felt terrible.

Rose looked about ready to explode. “What do you mean you can’t do this?! I thought you were into women?! Was I just some first time experience for you?! Did you lose a bet or something?!”. Anger was plainly visible on her face.

“I swear it’s not like that, I really am bi. I just can’t do this right now. I’m sorry”. Amanda ran out of the room as quickly as possible. She didn’t even care where she was going, as long as she wouldn’t have to be here anymore, or alone with her thoughts.

It was nearly three in the morning when Amanda walked into the 1-6 precinct. Her feet had automatically carried her there when she’d been walking on the street.  
She was tired, she was confused and most of all she was ashamed.

All she really wanted to do now was get to the bunk room and sleep for an indefinite period of time. But she wouldn’t be so lucky as to get away with staying out the whole night. When she walked past the squad room she was seen by Olivia and Nick.

“Where the hell have you been?!” Olivia shouted, making the remaining people in the room jump up in surprise. “We’ve been worried sick! I was about ready to call in a search party!”.

Amanda cringed under Liv’s reproachful look. “I was out” she answered quietly. Only to realize this wasn’t what Olivia wanted to hear.

“Obviously, I got that part. What I want to know is where you went! And why you didn’t pick up when we called you!”. When Liv said this Amanda patted her pocket. She hadn’t brought her cell phone.

“I thought something might’ve happened to you! You might’ve been…” at this point captain Cragen came running out of his office and stopped her yelling. “Olivia, that’s enough”.  
“But captain…” Olivia tried, however he was having none of it. “I'm serious Liv, step into my office. That's an order". His face told her that he was in fact being serious and she reluctantly did as he had told her.

Next the captain turned to Fin, who'd been listening to the whole ordeal. "get Rollins to the bunks and make sure she gets some sleep. Then join me in my office".

Fin nodded and guided Amanda in the direction of the bunkroom by her shoulders. "Come on 'Manda, let's get you into bed".

Careful not to let her go at any given point. When they got there he made sure she was tucked in, and though it reminded Amanda of being a kid she didn't protest as he stayed with her and told her stories until she was fast asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

When Amanda woke up she was extremely disoriented. It took her quite a while to figure out what had happened and how she got there. A combination of alcohol and a lack of sleep was never a good idea, this only proved that. And mix in the recent trauma she’d been through, all hell had broken out.

For a minute or so she stared into space until she willed herself to action and looked at the clock. It was two o’clock. She’d slept through the rest of the night and all of the morning without having nightmares or screaming herself awake. Maybe there were some strong points to alcohol and exhaustion.

She realized at the same time that her coworkers had let her sleep for this long. Amanda wasn’t sure how she felt about this situation. On one hand it was sweet but on the other it was all a bit too comforting and strange.

Swiftly she got out of bed and tried to tidy herself up a bit. she took her fingers through her messy hair and looked down at her outfit. Embarrassment rushed over her as she realized all the buttons she had undone the night before were still open.

But there wasn’t really time to worry about that now. She hadn’t had enough to drink to lose her memory and she remembered all to well the scene that had played out between her and Liv. She had to think of a way to make things right. Olivia was the one who had taken her in, even though they were just coworkers, and though Amanda didn’t really like all the mothering, Liv really had only been trying to help her.

The only thing left to do now really was just walk out into the squad room and face her colleagues, if they were present anyway. It was after all a regular day for everyone else.

Apparently though it wasn’t a normal workday for anyone in the precinct. When Amanda walked into the squad-room she stopped dead at the sight of three detectives busy at work. Half empty boxes of Chinese take out food were standing on their desks and there boxes of case files nearby.

Amanda wondered what they were working on when it hit her. They were working on her case. Her hands started shaking but she forced herself to keep her cool. One thing at a time and first things first.

With one last deep breath she strolled over to Olivia’s desk, who only looked up as Amanda spoke. “Hey, can we talk?”.

Eyes wide with shock Olivia nodded. She was still upset about last night. After fin had left a sleeping Amanda they’d stayed in Cragen’s office for hours, trying to decide what to do with Amanda and how to get to the bottom of this case. Liv wasn’t even really angry, she’d just been so worried.

They were watched by the other detectives till they were out of sight and Amanda led them back into the bunkroom. “Liv I’m sorry” she said quickly, while she still had her back towards her.

She turned around and faced the brunette “I shouldn’t’ve done what I did and if there was any way I could take it back I would. But I can’t and you have every right to be angry, so if you want me to stay clear I’d understand”.

Olivia’s heart broke at that moment. Here stood before her the most loyal and strong woman she had ever met, the most independent one of them all. And she was offering to become even more distant, even after everything she’d been through, she still thought she wasn’t allowed to get help.

The older detective stepped forward and pulled the younger one into a hug. “I’m not angry at you. At least not anymore. I was just so worried. Can you understand that? It’s not that you went away, it’s that you didn’t tell me, or confide me in”. she sighed “you’re walls are up so high you keep everyone out. And if you can’t trust me, how can I trust you? Trust works both ways. Be honest with me, did you really see a therapist?”. She let Amanda go so she could look into her eyes.

A guilty look entered Amanda’s blue orbs. “I did. At least I started to. But I couldn’t do it. I’m not real good at sharing things. Or talking all together. You only know about the gambling cause I got caught. I don’t like dragging other people into my mess. And if I keep it in it can’t be used against me right?”. She looked down in shame. Even disclosing this tiny bit of information made her feel uneasy.

“I’ve told you before, and I’m telling you again; we don’t mind. Any of us would gladly listen and help if you’d just let us. It makes this job a whole lot easier. I had to learn that the hard way, please let me help you before it’s too late”.

At this point Amanda had tears running over her cheeks. It’d been such a long time since she’d had a proper family, if she’d had it at all. And here she was, a relative rookie to the squad and already being looked after as a sister.

“I’ll try” she whispered. And Olivia smiled. “That’s all I’m asking. Now I have a therapy session this afternoon, why don’t you come with me?”.

Amanda hesitated but she’d promised to try “Okay, I’ll come”.

It was almost the same thing as when her sister had been in town. Her coworkers had forced her to take their help and had given her no choice in the matter. This was the same thing only it was even more personal this time around, though probably just as difficult.

She hardly ever relied on help and when she did it wasn’t voluntary. She’d always been the strong one, the person other people leaned on. From the day she turned twelve until now. But it might be good to have the roles reversed this time around. She might even come out a better person.

It sure wasn’t going to be easy, and it was going to take a long time to get used to, but just maybe it would relieve her of some pressure.


	10. Chapter 10

After the conversation Amanda and Olivia had, they went back to the squad-room together. Liv made her way over to her desk while Amanda went over to Fin. She wanted to say something to him, to let him know what last night meant to her. However when she stopped at his desk he beat her to it. “I know”.

They grinned at each other in mutual understanding and Amanda strut of to make them some coffee, or in her case tea.

When it was nearly three o’clock Olivia signaled Amanda. It was time for them to go. The two women put on their coats and said goodbye to the other detectives. As in some agreement the men didn’t ask where they were going or gave them questioning looks. They just knew this was something the two of them had to do by themselves.

Not that they weren’t interested or concerned. They’d just show it in a different way.

Olivia and Amanda walked to the shrink’s office lost in thought. They were both nervous, though Liv not nearly as much as Amanda. The latter had never really liked shrinks, only went if it was mandatory and work related. She didn’t like the idea of paying someone to whine to. And in this case she was worried what they’d talk about. And what they’d ask her.

They got to a plain grey office building that was only a few blocks away from the precinct. It’d taken them less ten minutes to walk there. 

Entering the office Amanda noticed immediately that it was a comfortable environment. It felt anonymous and yet at the same time not uncaring. It was plain to see why Liv liked it here. It was a very welcoming place.

There was a receptionist desk to the right and Liv walked over to make their presence known. “Ah, Olivia, good to see you again” the woman behind the counter said with a warm smile on her face “I see you brought someone?”.

Liv nodded “I did, I was hoping the doc wouldn’t mind.”. “I can’t see why he would, he’s always happy to welcome new people and help them if he can. If you just wait in the waiting area for a few minutes, you can go in soon”.  
So they took a seat in two of the chairs and waited patiently.

Not five minutes later the receptionist gestured for them to go ahead and Amanda followed Olivia through a doorway. A middle-aged men with grey hair was sitting in a purple chair. His whole appearance yelled shrink, Amanda thought.

“Olivia, how have you been?” he said, and upon noticing Amanda “Who did you bring?”. “This is Amanda Rollins, she’s a friend and she could use some help so I offered to take her with. I hope you don’t mind”.

The use of the word friend made it clear how redefined their relationship actually was. It wasn’t a big change but it was noticeably different from ‘colleague’ and it made Amanda feel just a little bit better about coming. 

“Not at all, always interesting to meet new people”. He stretched out his hand and Amanda shook it. “Doctor Lindstrom, nice to make your acquaintance”. “Detective Amanda Rollins” she replied and she noticed how his eyebrows slightly arched when she said ‘detective’.  
In the meanwhile Liv had taken a seat in a second purple chair, situated next to the first, so Amanda sat down on the couch opposite the chairs.

“Why don’t we start with why you’re here”.

Amanda shot Olivia a questioning glance. The brunette in return nodded slightly, giving the blonde the go-a-head and conveying to her that it was alright and time to open up. And Liv wasn’t going to make it too easy by telling the story for her.

“Uhm well… I was uhmm… Assaulted a few days ago” Amanda said. “Well uhm… I was… raped actually” She whispered the last two words as though saying it out loud would make it more real and horrifying than it already was.

“I’m sorry to hear that” Lindstrom said sympathetically, “But why are you here?”.

Liv, who was used to his methods, wasn’t surprised at all by the question but Amanda didn’t understand and looked completely puzzled. Then it dawned on her. “I keep having flashbacks” she said timidly, “every time someone touches me I flinch and I scream myself awake at night because I have these nightmares”.

The shrink nodded. “I understand, you went through a really traumatic experience. Can you tell me what you see and feel when you get one of these flashbacks?”.

Amanda closed her eyes temporarily, allowing the string of flashbacks to pop back into her head. Then her eyes shut open. “pain” She whispered, “It’s all happening again and there’s nothing I can do. I’m so vulnerable, so weak”.

Admitting to the last part was extremely difficult for her and her eyes were filled with moisture that threatened to spill.

“Try to focus on reality when that happens. Keep your eyes open and look at something familiar and lock your gaze on it. Try to take in as many qualities of the object until you feel like you’ve calmed down” Lindstrom advised her.

Then he looked at Liv. “You obviously got yourself involved in this, so maybe you can help her. You know some of the tricks I told you”. It was clear from his tone that he thought Olivia helping out was a bad idea but that he also knew she wouldn’t stop until she was pushed to far.

“I also think it’s good if you go to a group meeting, that way you can meet women who’ve been through the same experience and also learn from them”.

“Now our forty minutes are almost over so we’re out of time. It might be a good idea if you go talk to my receptionist and make your own appointment. I’ll be able to help you better if we have a bit more time”.

Understanding the subtle hint for her to leave the room she stood to make her way out. She wasn’t sure whether she liked the man or not but she was sure she needed counseling and this was a good start.

When the door shut behind her Olivia looked her therapist in the eye. “I suppose you have some comment about me helping myself first?”.

“Olivia, be honest with yourself. This isn’t a good idea. You’re still traumatized yourself and in no way ready to take on this responsibility”.  
Liv sighed. Part of her knew that the guy was right and that he was just trying to look out for her. But she had more faith in herself. She knew she could help Amanda, after all, that’s what she did at work as well. This case was maybe a bit more personal but that made her all the more determined to succeed.

“I think I can” She said confidently, “Hell, I know I can. But if it makes you feel any better I promise if it ever gets too much for me, I’ll make it known”.

He didn’t like the idea of that, but he also knew that he wouldn’t change her mind now that it was so made up. So for the time being he let it go. And he bid goodbye as the two women made their way out of his office.


	11. Chapter 11

As soon as the two female detectives had left the squad room captain Cragen called Tutuola and Amaro into his office. “Please tell me you found anything useful” he pleaded them.

“We’ve got squat” Amaro told him “We went over all her case files but we can’t find anyone who fits the profile and hasn’t been locked up. We’re running in circles”.

The cap sighed as if defeated. “How about from before she got here?”he asked. It was Fin who answered this time “Nothing there either, and we went over everything twice. Even called her ol’ captain from Atlanta. Still zilch”.

There was only one thing left to do. “How about from before she became a cop? Have you gone through her childhood?”.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”Nick asked, “Amanda’s a very private person, she’ll hate it if we dig through her youth. Besides what are the chances of someone keeping a grudge that long?”.

“I know Nick, but a long shot is better than nothing, and that’s what we’ve got right now. She doesn’t have to know yet. It’ll only become important if you find something and those chances are very slim” Cragen answered and he looked resigned.

Nick hesitated. “What about her sister? We know she’s crazy enough to come up with something like this. Do we know where she is?”.

It was Fin who answered. “She’s probably out of state. I asked Tucker to keep me in the loop and he hasn’t had any indication that she’s in New York. Besides, the girl might have issues but she still loves Amanda. I don’t think it’s her”.

“It’s still worth looking into” The captain said, “Try to locate Kim and talk to some people from their past. I’ll see if I can get us permission to talk to their mother”.

And so the three men set to work, uncomfortable with the idea of digging through their colleague’s life but doing so none the less, trying to find their perp.

By the time Liv and Amanda got back the men still hadn’t found anything. Captain Cragen however had been able to make an appointment for his detectives to talk to Rollins’ mother the day after tomorrow, giving them time to get there.

“We were gonna grab lunch” Olivia said as she walked through the doors of the 1-6 precinct, “Anyone wanna join us?”.

The captain caught her eye. “Actually Liv, why don’t you step into my office, there’s something we need to discuss”.

As she walked into the office and Cragen closed the door behind her she asked “What’s up?”.  
“I’m sorry Liv but there’s no time for lunch. You have a plane to catch. I’m sending you and Fin to Atlanta to talk to some of Rollins’ friends and family”.

“What? Why?” She wondered out loud but then, “I mean, I know why, I get that part. But can’t you just send Nick instead of me? Amanda is just starting to trust me, I don’t wanna leave her alone again”.

But the captain shook his head. “I’m sorry but I want my best people to do this and I trust you the most. Besides it’s not like she’ll be alone. Nick and I are still here and it’ll be good if she bonds with him as well”.

Olivia figured he was probably right but that didn’t mean she had to like it. “Fine, I’ll go. Just promise me you’ll take care of her”.  
The cap raised his eyebrows. “Of course I will. Now go pack a bag, your plane leaves in two hours”.

She strode out of the room and headed straight for Amanda, who was still standing in the same spot, looking a bit lost and uncertain.

“Amanda, I have to go”.

The blonde looked up in surprise. “Go? Go where?”.

Olivia hesitated. Lying to her colleague would cause a lot of issues when she found out yet telling the truth would cause a lot of anxiety for the younger woman. She decided the latter would be better considering the circumstances. “Fin and I are going to interview some people in Atlanta. To help with your case”.

For a moment Amanda stood emotionless, then it dawned on her. “Oh” she said, shock surging through every fiber of her being, “I understand”.

“Look, you can still stay at my place. I’ll text Brian and explain the situation. I really have to go now but I’ll be back before you know it. Bye”. Olivia hurried off, well aware that it was probably not the best thing to do but right now she didn’t have any other options. She had a plane to catch and that would hopefully lead her to bringing Amanda closure.

Amanda was left rooted to the spot, completely flabbergasted. “I guess I’ll stay at a hotel tonight” She murmured to herself.

Nick however, overheard her. “You don’t have to” He commented, “you can stay at my place tonight. Besides, Zara is coming over tomorrow and she adores you”.

Sighing the blonde shook her head. “That’s really not necessary Nick, I can take care of myself. Besides, I don’t wanna intrude on your family”.

“You wouldn’t be intruding” He said, “and I’m not letting you stay in a hotel. Let me just do this for you without arguing. Accept the offer”.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “What is it with y’all that makes you so eager to have me in your homes?”.

“It’s not to do with us, it’s you. You’re family Rollins, we just wanna help. Now quit your complaining and grab your coat. We’re getting lunch”.

Disgruntled Amanda did as she was told, but she couldn’t help herself from commenting as the elevator doors closed. “Fine. But I’m buying”.


	12. Chapter 12

Hanging out with Nick proved to be very easy and relaxed. They bantered like brother and sister all the way through lunch and Amanda almost forgot about everything else. Almost.

But after they finished eating they had to get back to the station and Nick especially had to get back to work. Amanda wasn’t sure what she was going to do. She didn’t like the idea of spending another day on her own but the captain probably wouldn’t let her back at work either.  
She accompanied Nick anyway, maybe she’d get lucky.

When they got back to the station they both went to their own desks and started on some paperwork. The captain wasn’t back from lunch yet but it wouldn’t be long before he was and Amanda wanted to get in as much work as possible before he sent her home.

After about forty-five minutes he returned to see his detectives hard at work. He wasn’t completely sure about Amanda being back at work this soon but she seemed okay and he knew from experience that she was better off here than home alone.

So instead of disturbing her he just shrugged and let it go. He’d make sure she went home at a proper time, though he knew that it wouldn’t necessary because Nick would be doing exactly the same.

Amanda hadn’t noticed Cragen was back until the door to his office shut with a thud. If he wasn’t going to comment on her being there she sure wasn’t going to ask him for permission and so she kept herself busy with work for the rest of the day.

Around six o’clock Nick closed his laptop and tidied up his desk. “Time to go. We’re calling it a night”.

“Are we now?” Amanda remarked, her eyebrows high on her forehead, “Wé never agreed to that”. She put an emphasis on the word we to let know her displeasure at his making decisions for her.

“Okay, fine, I’ll go with it. Amanda I want to call it a night. Are you coming with me?” He asked instead of ordering and the subtle change was enough to satisfy her. “”Sure, let me just finish up and get my things”.

When they entered Nick’s Apartment not thirty minutes later Amanda immediately felt at home. His place wasn’t a man cave like Fin’s was and though it was obviously housed by a man it was still sophisticated.

There weren’t a lot of unnecessary items but enough to make it a warm environment. Amanda figured that was probably for Zara’s sake.

“Welcome to casa Amaro” Nick joked. “Would you like the grown-up suite or the unicorn suite?”.  
She looked at him quizzically. “What happened to a regular guestroom?”.  
“I may or may not have been entirely truthful about that. There used to be a guest room but I turned that into Zara’s room”. He at least had the decency to look guilty. “You can sleep in my bed while I take hers. Seems fair after I tricked you to come here”.

Amanda sighed, silently noting that she’d been doing that a lot. “It’s fine Nick, you were just tryin’ to be friendly. I’ll take the unicorns”. He was already shaking his head, “Amanda I can’t..” But she interrupted him before he could finish his sentence. “I am okay with the unicorns”.

Then timidly she continued, “I probably won’t sleep an awful lot tonight anyway, okay? I honestly think the damn unicorns might make for a good distraction”.

And he accepted it without any further protest because he knew how difficult it had been for her to admit it, and also because he realized she was probably right. Instead of arguing he set about making dinner and they spent the rest of the evening watching sports games on TV while making small talk until they retreated to their separate bedrooms.


	13. Chapter 13

The Atlanta summer heat hit Olivia Benson like a brick wall when she and Odafin Tutuola walked out of the airport. It had only been a short flight but they'd been eager to arrive at their destination so that they could start with their work and maybe finally get a lead in Amanda's case.

First order of business was get themselves to the local police station and talk to some of Amanda's old coworkers and friends. They'd be able to give a better picture of her life here. After that the two detectives had an appointment with Laurel Heights Hospital and Rollins' mother.

When they arrived at the APD station in the grey SUV that had been provided for them Sam Reynolds, Amanda's old captain was already waiting for them.

"Odafin Tutuola, good to see you again, wish it were under better circumstances. How's the heat treating you?". Fin grinned. "Like the old man I am. How have you been Reynolds? This is Olivia Benson, you two never met last time". Liv shook the guys hand and smiled. "Nice to meet you".

Reynolds' face however quickly got serious, they were here after all for more important things than small talk. "How is Amanda?" he asked.

Sighing, Olivia answered him. "She's being as stubborn as always, but she's holding on. I think she's finally starting to accept our help. It's gonna be a long time before she's back to being sort of herself, but she will make it. Of that I'm sure".

Sam nodded in return. He'd know Rollins for a long time, longer than anyone else outside of her family. He knew from experience how tough she was and how much she'd already been through. He'd been there the last time and he sure as hell was going to make sure he did everything he could to help this time around.

"You guys know about her past here?" he asked. It was Fin who answered, "Yeah, our captain already talked to the chief of police. We'd still like to talk to him in person though, just to make sure", this wasn't actually part of the plan but both New York detectives wanted to do it anyway, "and furthermore we just really need info on her childhood. Can you help with that?".

Another short nod and Sam gestured with his hand for them to follow him. While they walked he told them some of Amanda's background. "She grew up here, with her mom and sister. Her dad was an average man who got mixed up with the wrong people. Her mom had all sorts of mental problems".

Fin had already known part of this but it was news to Olivia and she finally understood why Rollins was so tight lipped about her personal life and how her sister came to be so screwed up.

Reynolds continued the story. "When she was eight her dad died in a car accident. We never did find out if it was just that or if it was murder. Her mom lost the last bit of sanity she had left. Got into drugs, hanging out with all the wrong type of guys, until she finally married one of them".

He sighed and came to a halt as they entered the precinct's break room. He pointed at a coffee machine as to ask if they wanted any. Liv noted that he was a man of little words, at least as little as possible.

They sat down and the story continued once more. "Zeke Lazinski. A real scumbag, top of the list. Was a pretty high up drug dealer back then and got Amanda's mom Judy completely hooked on drugs. He lived with them but his son, Chase Lazinski, stayed with his ex."

"He lived with them until Amanda was fifteen, that's when she got him arrested by helping the police catch him in a drug deal. That's ultimately what led her to become a cop. But for her mom it was too late. And as far as Kim's concerned, you know how she turned out".

And so they did. Amanda's back ground completely explained why she was who she was and it was very intriguing to hear.

It was however also an interesting development in the case. "Is lazinski still in prison?" Liv asked. "No, he is not. He died his third year in. Got in an argument with an inmate and was stabbed to death".

"Well I guess that rules him out. What about his son?".

"That's where things get interesting. His son's followed in his footsteps like an obedient little soldier. Did a few years for robbery and possession. Thing is he hasn't been heard from in about a year. He moved out of his house and no one has seen him or talked to him since then".

That truly was interesting. If Benson wasn't mistaken they had just found their first proper suspect. Only problem being of course that he was no where to be found. She had a hunch however that they'd find him somewhere in New York.

They needed to hurry things up here and head back. "I want a file with everything you have on Chase Lazinski and a list of anyone else you think capable of this. We're headed to Laurel Heights now to talk to her mother but we'll pick up the info on the way back to the airport".

"Of course, anything I can do to help" Reynolds promised and the two New Yorkers left him to it as they made their way to their rental.

The first few minutes of the car ride were silent except for the navigation system that told them where to turn. But Fin quickly noticed that his partner was brooding on something and decided to break the silence by asking her about it. "What's on your mind?".

Olivia shook her head. "It just doesn't ad up" she said, "I mean I get why he'd be angry but why wait so long? It happened over fifteen years ago. Even his father's death was more than a decade ago. Why take his revenge now. It doesn't fit".

He silently agreed with her but decided not to tell her that just yet. "I don't know either. Something must've set him of, made him tick. At any rate we just gotta get some more leads and info now, it's really too soon to jump to any conclusions".

Fully aware that Fin was right, Liv dropped the subject, but it still didn't sit right with her and she made a mental note to get to the bottom of this when they were back in New York.

The remaining way to the hospital they spent in silence again.

About fifteen minutes later they pulled up in the visitor's parking lot and walked to the front desk. One of the staff members was already waiting for them, judging by the coat she was wearing she was a doctor.

"Dr. Ellen Lacy?" Benson asked as they approached her, and the woman smiled. "That is correct. You must be detectives Benson and Tutuola".

Olivia got right to the point. "What can you tell us about misses Rollins?".

A sad look crossed the doctor's face. "There's not an awful lot to tell. She's had a tough run. The last few months she's had multiple psychoses. Today she seems to be doing okay but I have to warn you that's probably temporary. Your questions could trigger another episode. I'd like to ask and advise you to be as patient and gentle as possible. She really is very ill".

Concern was etched in her voice and the detectives knew she honestly cared about her patient. "we promise to be as brief as we can" Fin said, "we just have to ask her a couple of questions about her daughters".

"Daughters?" Dr. Lacy asked, "I thought she only had Kim. I wasn't aware she had two children".

Olivia shot Fin a confused look. "Could you elaborate on that?". The doc nodded "well, she's only ever mentioned Kim as far as I know. She's always saying how proud she is of her daughter being properly married and taking care of her mother. Kim's the only one that comes to visit too".

That was certainly worth knowing. "When's the last time she was here?" Fin asked immediately. "About a month ago, why?".

"She's wanted for murder and a couple of other crimes. If she comes by here again let the police know immediately. She needs to be locked up, for her own and others safety".

Dr. Lacy sighed. "I guess some families have all the troubles. If you just follow me I'll take you to see misses Rollins. She should be done with her lunch by now".

"If you don't mind me asking, what did the other daughter do to have two New York detectives come all the way over to Atlanta to talk to her mother?".

Both Fin and Liv immediately went into defense mode. "She didn't dó anything" They answered just a little bit too harshly, and the doctor looked back in shock.

Olivia realized their bluntness and apologized. "I'm sorry, it's just a bit close to home. Amanda Rollins is our colleague and we work together on a daily bases. She became our friend and she was… assaulted a couple of nights ago. We're here because we went over all the likely possibilities and came up with nothing. It's a long shot but talking to her mother is the only shot we have".

"I understand" replied the doctor as she came to a halt in front of a white door with a sign on it that said 'room 112'. "This is her room. I'll leave you now but please remember what I said before. Especially when you tell her what you've just told me. I hope she can help and that you catch the guy. Good luck".

Olivia and Fin nodded and without anything further they knocked on the door and entered.


	14. Chapter 14

The room the two detectives walked into was cold and not at all cozy. Someone had obviously tried to change the environment by putting in some paintings and other things that could be considered personal belongings but had failed miserably. The walls only looked whiter and the atmosphere felt that much more depressing and forced.

It's inhabitant did nothing to help the room's image. At a table that was situated near the doorframe sat and old and fragile looking woman. Olivia knew for a fact that she couldn't be over fifty-five years old but the drug abuse had made Joan Rollins age tremendously early in her life.

Wondering like so many times before how a grown woman could let herself come to this, Liv also questioned why she'd gone back to her late husband's name. She mentally promised herself to ask Amanda when they got back.

"Misses Rollins? My name is Olivia Benson and this is my partner Fin Tutuola. We're detectives from New York and we're here to ask you a few questions about Amanda. Would that be okay?". Liv had decided it was best to tread as carefully as the doctor had advised.

The grey haired woman looked up, thoroughly unimpressed. "Well why the hell not. What'd she do to make me deserve a bunch of cops pestering me? Did she finally get herself in trouble with all that straight A ambition of her? It's about time".

"Actually no, I'm sorry I have to tell you this but your daughter was raped". Technically Amanda had gotten herself in some trouble with her gambling but that was a matter for another time.   
Benson who'd been hoping for a sympathetic reaction, or at least some sort of concern was let down.

"Was she now? And there was actual prove of that? You believe that she's not making it up?". 

Olivia and Fin exchanged glances of utter disbelief but Joan wasn't done yet, "She's been known to lie, if you haven't heard. She told the cops that her step daddy beat her up and landed my husband in jail. She lied to the court so that they'd declare me unfit to take care of myself and she locked me in this hell hole. So excuse me for not sobbing about the poor thing".

Benson couldn't believe what she was hearing. Here was a grown woman, a mother for gods sake, that didn't even care about her own child being brutally assaulted. And just like that Liv decided she was done with the careful approach.

"Your daughter went through hell during her entire childhood! You're lucky she turned out this great and didn't screw up like the rest of the family. She deserves better than what you're giving her!".

Fin, who had been standing on the side lines so far to let Olivia do the talking, noticed that her mother bear instinct was starting to act up again and decided to step in before she said anything too drastic.

"Why don't you go take a walk?" He said as he gripped her shoulders to let her know she'd gone too far. She looked him in the eye, anger plainly visible in her hazelnut brown orbs, and jaw set. 

After a few seconds she nodded and left the room, letting Fin alone to conduct the rest of the interview.

Joan Rollins had been watching the scene between the two detectives play out in front of her with a sadistic smirk on her face. The drug abuse and psychoses had made her lack empathy and she loved pushing people's buttons like this.

The change in demeanor hadn’t gone unnoticed by Fin and as he sat down across from her he wondered how to go about things.

"Look I know you don't care about Amanda, but we do. We want the guy that hurt her brought to justice and even though you don't care, part of you has to want that too".

Misses Rollins seemed to think about that for a while. Finally she answered, "Fine, but she doesn't have to know about my involvement". Fin didn't get why she'd want the one proper thing she ever did for her daughter to stay secret but he nodded anyway and Joan went on.

"There's always John Parker, Jeff's younger brother, he was real protective of Jeff. Kimmy told me about Amanda shooting him" Joan explained when she saw confusion cross Fin's face.

Fin thought about that for a moment, it was definitely something worth looking into. But there was something else he wanted her opinion about. "What about Chase Lazinski? I heard that Amanda was the one that got his dad locked up?".

The comment about Lazinski's death had obviously hit a nerve. The petite woman jumped up from her seat and started pacing. "I already told you that wasn't fair of her to do! Wouldn't be surprised if poor Chase did do it, bloke lost everything when his daddy was arrested".

Detective Tutuola could tell that she was starting to lose it and he quickly stood as well. He stuck his head out of the room and signaled Liv to go get a doctor. Misses Rollins was nearing a mental break down.

Doctor Lacy came running into the room followed closely by the nurse they had met earlier. Deciding it was time for them to go Fin slowly backed out of the room and walked down the hallway to where Olivia was waiting on him.

"Did she give you anything useful?" Liv asked as soon as he was within hearing distance.   
"Mostly confirmed our suspicions about Lazinski. But she seems to think he has the right to take his revenge. Also mentioned John Parker, he's the brother of Jeff Parker, that guy she shot last year. I figure that's worth looking into".

Olivia nodded and together they started walking towards their car again. They had a lot on their mind as they rode back to the APD station and didn't talk until they saw captain Reynolds in the squad room.

"What did you find out" He asked upon seeing them, not bothering with any sort of greeting first.   
Liv was the one that answered. "Besides the fact that Rollins was raised by a heartless bitch, we have to locate John Parker, and also talk to someone who knows Lazinski".

Choosing to ignore the first comment Sam skipped over to the second part of her sentence. "I can arrange for you to talk to Parker, but I don't think it'll be much use".

The New York detectives gave him a questioning look and he explained what he meant. "Last I heard, Parker is in jail for killing bashing some dude’s head in. He's been serving the first three and a half years of his seven year sentence these last few years. There's always the chance that he hired someone to do it but it seems unlikely".

And just like that one of their only two leads went dead again. The detectives were starting to get frustrated, not to mention anxious. They needed to catch Amanda's rapist yet the odds were continuingly getting worse.

"Did you get the files I asked for?" Olivia questioned and Reynolds immediately handed her a stack of files. "This is all I could find that might be useful. It's not a lot but there's some important stuff in there. Get this; after his dad went to prison Lazinski went to live with his mother. In New Jersey. As far as we know he still lives around there".

This truly was interesting news. It may have been the only lead they had but it sure was a good one. They needed to get back to New York as soon as possible.

"Thanks for all the help" Fin said, "we really appreciate it. We gotta get going now but we'll let you know when we've caught the son of a bitch".

Reynolds gave a small smile. "Anytime. You just take care of Manda, okay? She's been through enough already".

The man might be tough and sturdy on the outside but this comment told Olivia that even though he wasn't much of a talker, he definitely cared about Rollins. With one last smile and look around Olivia followed Fin out of the precinct and into the car.

"Let's go to the airport" Olivia stated, "I'll call the captain on the way. We need to get ourselves back to New York. We have a psycho to arrest".


	15. Chapter 15

Back in New York things had been awfully quiet. To captain Cragen's, and also Nick's, relieve no new cases had come in. Amaro and Rollins had spent the day catching up on paperwork and filing away closed cases. It had considerably shrunk the paper piles on their desks.

By the time Benson and Tutuola came walking through the doors it was past midnight and the other two detectives had long left the precinct.

Olivia knew that the captain probably wouldn't approve of them being there and that he'd rather they get some shut eye first, but they had really wanted to start reading up on their suspect, Chase Lazinski, and so they'd rode straight to the station. Knowing full well that Cragen wouldn't be there at this time of night anyway.

So they turned on their desks lamps and computers. Liv made them some coffee, usually she'd go with tea but the circumstances asked for something with caffeine. And finally they set to work, gaining as much info as they could.

About two hours in Olivia realized there was nothing left that she could do tonight. She'd been reading and rereading all of the same information and she already knew it by heart. The only thing she left to do now was call people and ask questions, which wasn't really an option at this time of night.

Fin had given up half an hour earlier and was now soundly asleep in the bunks. It was time for her to do the same. She could start afresh tomorrow.

The next morning Amanda and Nick walked into the station at nine. Amanda had reluctantly spent another night at Nick's. Fortunately she hadn't screamed Nick, or herself for that matter, awake. She'd slept okay really, okay being a relative term, she'd just also awoken extremely early. 

She'd awoken at five o'clock and had been awake ever since. Today would be the day she saw Liv and Fin again after they'd talked to her mother. She was more anxious than she'd ever been before. She didn't know what to expect besides a lot of questions. After all she hadn't told her colleagues all that much about her childhood.

Nick hadn't caught on to her nervousness and when he'd asked how Amanda was she hadn't bothered to tell him the truth. She was in no mood for a fuzz and there'd be enough talking later.

To Amanda's surprise Olivia wasn't at her desk when they walked in. She did spot Fin sitting at his and she slowly approached him.

"Good morning partner, how's my home town fairing without me?". It wasn't the question she had really wanted to ask and Fin knew this. It was loaded with all the questions she didn't dare ask out loud, like how her mother was doing and what they'd found.

Fin answered in a way that he hoped would satisfy a bit of the guilt she was obviously feeling. "It's fairing just fine without you Rollins. Though Sam Reynolds seems to be missing you quite a bit". He winked at her and the remark had it's intended effect. Amanda's pale cheeks went bright red. She may not have told him but Odafin Tutuola was no fool. He'd known after Reynolds' visit that her old captain had a thing for Amanda.

The comment had also noticeably lightened the mood and Amanda grinned at Fin as she made her way to her own desk. "Oh hush up".

Fin was glad to have her smiling again and he set to work with a satisfactory look on his face.

It was only nine thirty when someone else walked into the squad room. The team recognized her because she was a member or the crime scene unit. They'd worked with her a couple of times before and she'd been at Amanda's apartment as well.

"Amanda Rollins?" Asked the Asian woman as she looked around the room. The blond quickly stood and walked over to her, "That's me, can I help you?".

The crime scene tech took something out of her pocket and handed it to Amanda. "We finished processing your apartment. They installed new locks on both the doors and the windows. You're allowed in again".

Rollins took the keys from the technician who immediately walked out again. She wasn't certain how she felt about the whole ordeal but she knew she was happy her place was cleared. She was ready to go home and take care of herself again.

At that exact moment Olivia came walking out of the bunks. "Hey stranger", She said as she saw Amanda standing in the doorway, "I see you survived staying at Nick's place. How have you been?".

The younger detective just stared at her until she realized the sentence asked for an answer and she quickly recovered. "Uhm, yeah I'm good. I get to go home tonight so I can't complain. It's good to see you survived Atlanta".

Olivia's face immediately showed concern. "Go home already? Are you sure that's a good idea?". Amanda sighed. "Look I know it's soon, but I'm ready to go home. I'm sick of crashing at other people's places. Besides, I'm not letting someone run me out of my apartment again".

There was no arguing with her on this front and Olivia knew this. Instead of facing a confrontation she opted to just change the subject. "And you've been back at work the last day?".

Amanda nodded. "Yeah I have. It helps me keep my mind of things and stay busy. If you don't mind I'd actually like to get back to it. I was only getting my keys".

Liv smiled sadly. "I know you wanna get back to work and not think, but I have some questions I need to ask and you can't avoid me forever Amanda. We need to talk".

Another sigh. Amanda had of course been expecting this but that didn't make it any more pleasant. "I will, okay? Just not here. Let me just work through the morning and then we can talk this afternoon when I get home".

For a minute or so Olivia just thought it over. It probably wasn't the best idea to ask emotionally loaded questions at the actual crime scene, but Rollins seemed really determined to go home, and if she felt safe there, it might be the best option.

After carefully considering the option she finally agreed. "Okay, I'll give you till lunch. We'll get something to eat on the way back to your place and then we can talk. But no excuses, we're leaving before one o'clock".

Amanda simply nodded and walked back to her desk. The conversation was over, but Liv vowed to herself that she'd keep her eye on Amanda. They were going to talk and Amanda wasn't getting out of it.


	16. Chapter 16

The morning passed quietly again for the 1-6 precinct. In fact it was so continuously mundane at work that Liv almost started thinking there was some higher power at work. Almost.

She kept an eye on Amanda while they worked but it proved to be unnecessary. The younger detective was working like it was a usual day, she wasn’t trying to squirm away or find excuses to leave.

When the guys announced they were going to grab some lunch, Amanda also stood and she walked over to Olivia. “Let me just grab my bag out of my locker, okay? Then we can leave”. Liv smiled as to say okay and the blonde left the room.

While Amanda went to fetch her bag from her locker Olivia went to the captains office. She knocked on the door before walking in and found him sitting at his desk. “Captain, just wanted to let you know that Rollins and I are heading out. She’s moving back into her place and I’m coming with to ask her some questions”.

Cragen seemed surprised. “She’s going home already? Are we sure that’s a good idea”. Liv shrugged. “I thought the same thing but she’s determined and we both know there’s no stopping her. That’s partly why I’m going with her”.

He nodded with approval. “Just keep an eye on her. I know she’s tough but I’m not taking any chances. And let me know what you find out”.

“Will do”. She said and she closed the door again. Amanda was already waiting for her and she explained what she had done. “I just told the captain that we’re out for the day. Are you ready to go?”.

Amanda nodded and both women put on their coats and left the building.

They picked up some lunch on the way but the mood stayed gloomy. There was a feeling of unease in the air and the heaviness of it only got worse when they got to Amanda’s front door.  
The door was sealed shut with crime scene tape and Amanda had to use her pocket knife to cut through it in order to get in.

The atmosphere of the apartment was similar to that of an abandoned house. It smelled a bit dusty and old, even though it’d been less than a week ago that Amanda had been there last.

She was glad to see that the crime scene techs hadn’t made as much mess as they usually did and it’d be pretty easy to get everything back where it belonged. The only thing that still worried her was the bedroom but she wasn’t going to check it until Olivia had gone.

Slowly she walked further into the apartment, inspecting things up close. Olivia lingered in the doorway to give her some time.

The most obvious signs of struggle had been cleared away. The shards of the mug had been collected as evidence, however there was still blood on the couch. It slightly satisfied Amanda that she’d hit him hard enough to cause him to leave blood on the fabric.

By this time Olivia had walked over to join Amanda. She carefully kept her distance so she wouldn’t spook the younger detective and slightly coughed to make her presence known. “You okay?”.

Amanda’s head shot up and she looked at Liv a little startled. “Yeah I’m fine. I wasn’t sure what to expect but it’s not that bad”.

She took off her coat and carelessly hung it over a dining chair whilst making her way over to the kitchen. “Would you like something to drink?” She asked Olivia while she filled up the water boiler, “I don’t have a lot of options but there’s tea”.

Olivia smiled at her, “tea would be great, thanks”. She put the plastic bag she had been holding on the dinner table and took off her coat as well. She then got the Chinese food they’d on the way over here out of the bag.

As Liv took out their lunch Amanda came walking back towards the table, two steaming mugs of tea in her hands. She carefully put them down and handed Olivia a fork. “I thought this might be easier”. The two women grinned at each other.

Both sat down and fiddled with their boxes of food. When they no longer had an excuse to look down they looked each other in the eye.

“Amanda” Liv started cautiously, “I have some questions and I need you to answer as honestly and detailed as possible. I know it’s probably hard and it sucks, but I don’t think I have to remind you just how important this is”.

Olivia had used her intriguingly sweet voice again, the one she always used with victims, and Amanda could do nothing but nod in response. She was a detective after all, she knew what was at stake.

 

Instead of taking out a tape recorder like they usually did with interviews, Olivia laid her notebook and a pencil on the table. Amanda was extremely grateful for this small gesture of kindness. Liv understood how awkward it would be and was trying her very best to make it as easy as possible.

“The first question I’d like to ask you is about Chase Lazinski, do you remember who he is?”. Amanda nodded and Liv carried on, “Your mother told us about your history with Lazinski’s father, did you ever have contact with him after that?”.

Amanda’s forehead wrinkled up in concentration. “Not at first, right after the trial. I think his dad warned him to stay clear of me. But after the old man died Chase called me a couple of time, sent me some letters. He was pretty pissed”.

“Do you think it’s possible that he wanted to take his revenge?”. Amanda shrugged her shoulders at the possibility, “I honestly don’t know. I wouldn’t put him past the violence but I haven’t heard from him in over a decade. I don’t see why he’d come back now. Besides”, she added in a whisper, “wouldn’t I have recognized his voice if it had been him?”.

Olivia carefully considered this. “Perhaps. But he wasn’t very old yet when you last spoke, and men’s voices change a lot over the years. It’s something we’ll look into”.

“I may not remember correctly but didn’t he also get arrested a couple of times? Wouldn’t that mean the DNA clears him?”. As soon as Amanda had uttered the words Liv felt like a moron. How could she have missed that?

Even though she knew that John Parker was serving a sentence in jail, Olivia still wanted Amanda’s take on the guy and so she focused her next question on him. “And what about John Parker? Reynolds told us that he’s a violent guy”.

Amanda immediately shook her head. “Then he must’ve also told you parker was in jail, he couldn’t have done it”.

“Could he have paid someone to do it?” Liv asked but again Amanda shook her head. “He’s violent, that what he’s about. He’d never ask someone else to clean up his mess, let alone trust them to do so. He likes to do his own dirty work”.

Whatever hope had been left in Olivia was now quickly fading, their two prime suspects seemed to be innocent and they’d have to start from scratch again. It seemed it was taking it’s toll on Amanda as well so Liv quickly tried to comfort her. “We’re gonna get this guy Rollins, whatever it takes. I promise you I won’t stop until we do”.

Amanda gave her a sad smile. “You keep promising me that, and I wanna believe you, I do. But experience taught me to not really on the things people say”.

“You mean with your mom?” Olivia asked and she’d obviously hit a nerve. Amanda started picking apart the box that held her now cold Chinese food and looked down at the table. “I guess you’ve met her then” She said with sad smile on her face, “ Charming woman, isn’t she?”.

The comment was timid but at the same time it was a way of carefully trying to deflect the attention away from the pain behind it. Unfortunately for Amanda Liv wasn’t so easily fooled anymore and she wanted Amanda to open up about her past.

“Yeah we did. It was interesting to say the least. She’s a handful”. Liv was careful in picking her words. She didn’t want to upset Amanda by insulting her mother, yet she also wanted to get to the bottom of it.

“She blames me for locking her in there” Amanda whispered. “Yes she does” Liv commented, “but that doesn’t mean she’s right to do so”.

Shaking her head fiercely Amanda looked up, “Yes she is. I put my own mother in a mental facility because I couldn’t handle her. What kind of person does that make me?”. The rhetorical question was laced with guilt and Olivia felt sorry for the blond sitting across from her.

“It makes you human” She replied earnestly, “And I would’ve done the exact same thing if I were you. You did what you had to and you looked after yourself, put yourself first for once in your life and you survived. That’s what’s important”.

Amanda looked her directly in the eye. “You don’t know what it’s like to live with a mother like mine. To have to make the decision to put her in a hospital. To live with the guilt. You didn’t abandon your own mother”.

“But I could’ve. If my mom hadn’t died many years ago”. This wasn’t a subject Olivia necessarily liked getting into, but if it would help Amanda she would. The remark already had made an impression on her. “What do you mean?”.  
Olivia sighed.

“You probably don’t know this, because it came up long before you transferred to New York, but my mother was raped. And I’m a result of that rape.” Amanda stared at her with her mouth open and eyes wide in shock, “She was reminded of that rape every day just by looking at me. And the worst part was that her rapist was never even caught. But the pain made her drink, and the drinking made her violent. I finally had enough when I was seventeen and I moved out. Our relationship improved somewhat after that but it was never how it should have been, how it could have been. And she died nearly fifteen years ago”.

Liv paused momentarily to let the story sink in. “The point is that I know how it feels to have a mother that’s not a mother. To have to deal with her troubles and take care of her while it should be the other way around. I can say from experience that you did the right thing. Even though your mother might not agree”.

Amanda was still baffled. Not only by the story but also by Liv’s willingness to share it with her. She had never known and she felt sad for the older detective, even though she seemed to have made peace with her past a long time ago.

“Thank you for sharin’ this with me. And for everything really”.

They smiled at each other but Olivia could see that Amanda was still down. She felt determined to try and change this and decided to refrain from asking any more questions today. She quickly stood. “How about we microwave our dinner and spend the rest of the day watching reruns of America’s next top model?”.

It wasn’t really what Amanda had had in mind, but she didn’t feel up to arguing and so they did just as Olivia had suggested.


	17. Chapter 17

After an afternoon of watching girls bicker and fight each other the two female detectives were quite done with watching TV.

Secretly part of Amanda had hoped that Olivia would leave somewhere during the day. So far though the brunette had stayed seated on her couch with no intention whatsoever of getting up and leaving. The other part of Amanda was quite thankful for that.

On one hand she really felt like being alone right now. She had been under constant supervision for the last few days and it was making her skin itch. On the other hand however she really didn’t want Olivia to go and leave her to go into her bedroom by herself, and face the emptiness.

But it was now nearly time for dinner and Liv was still there. Amanda’s stomach was twisting and turning because she had hardly touched her lunch and had stuck to herbal tea ever since. She still wasn’t hungry though and the thought of dinner made her nauseous.

Unfortunately Liv was hungry and she soon suggested they’d order something to eat. “I think it’s time to order a pizza or something. I’m quite honestly starving”.

Amanda just about threw up at the thought of stuffing down a pizza and she was already thinking of ways to tell Liv this without really télling her. “You go ahead”, she said, “I’m not really hungry”.

Concern crossed Olivia’s face for the umpteenth time. “Are you okay?”. There was no point denying “I’m just feeling a bit nauseous. Don’t make a fuss about it, I’ll be fine”.

But Liv wasn’t easily convinced. “I noticed you hardly touched your lunch as well. Do you wanna go out and grab a bite to eat somewhere else? Get some fresh air maybe?”.  
“Liv I’m fine, okay? I’ve been away from home enough over the past couple of days, I just gotta get back into my rhythm. Give me a break”.

Olivia looked a little insulted. “Fine, if you say so”. It was getting more difficult for her to keep her cool and most importantly her patience. Which also meant it was now more essential than ever.

Amanda sighed, already feeling guilty about her outburst. After all Liv had done nothing but support her. It wasn’t Liv’s fault that Amanda wasn’t used to this much attention. She gestured to the fridge. “There’s take-out menu on there from an Italian place I like a lot. You could order something if you want to”.

They stared at each other for a while, the tension slowly fading and eventually Olivia got up from the couch. “I’m gonna order a pizza” she said as she took her cell phone out of her coat pocket and made her way over to the fridge.

While Liv made her phone call Amanda sat back down on the couch. She was facing the door to her bedroom. The crime scene guys had replaced the lock but there was still a chunk of wood missing from when her attacker had broken down the door.

She got even more nauseous as she thought back to that night and she quickly turned to look away. Her palms were sweaty and her heart was racing. 

Olivia, who had been standing with her back turned to Amanda hadn’t seen her reaction but the look in the blue eyes told her that something had happened. However, after the outburst of a few minutes ago she decided to let it go for now. 

The Pizza that Liv had ordered arrived a half hour later. Unbeknownst to Amanda she had also ordered a salad and some bread. She knew they would but heads again over this but some time tonight Amanda was going to have to eat and at least there’d be something eatable when she did.

They sat in silence as Olivia ate. The only noise still audible was coming from yet another rerun on the television, though not America’s next top model this time. 

Neither woman knew what to say or do now. And the ongoing silence was awkward to say the least. 

“Look I’m sorry okay”, Amanda blurted out, “about snapping at you. I’m just getting really frustrated with people trying to take care of me constantly. It’s suffocating me”.

Liv understood. Didn’t mean she had to accept it though. “I know. And believe me I understand. My old partner used to do the same and the guys still do it too, they treat you like you’re fragile. But now that I’m coming from the other end off it I understand the reaction. We’re only trying to look after one of our own. Please try to see it from our point of view”. 

Amanda sighed and thought about it for a while. Of course she knew what Liv had said was true, hell she even understood and would probably do the same if it were about someone else. But it wasn’t and understanding didn’t mean the feeling just went away. 

“I know Liv. Just let me breath every now and then. Let me make my own decisions without constantly questioning them. Give me some space”. 

Olivia smiled. “I’m not making any promises. Especially not tonight. But let’s make a deal. If you let me spend the night here” Liv offered and seeing that Amanda was about to protest she quickly hurried on, “Then I’ll leave you alone tomorrow”. 

It was a compromise and Amanda knew that it was the best she was gonna get right now. “That sounds reasonable”. 

But Olivia still wasn’t quite done, “But let me emphasize, if you don’t sleep through the night, if I even get a slight feeling that you’re not fine like you say you are, the deal is off”. 

Amanda was annoyed by Olivia’s mothering but she had slept through the last two nights pretty okay. What could go wrong? “Okay fine”. 

She soon learned exactly how wrong it could go.  
Being up so early and being anxious for a long time had caused Amanda to grow immensely tired. She was both physically and emotionally exhausted. Yet she dreaded going to bed.  
First of it would alert Olivia to her not-so being okay and second it would mean Amanda had to go into her bedroom. That she had to look at the mess in there and the bed that she was raped on. The thought alone nearly made her hyperventilate.

Just before ten o’clock though she’d had enough. She was going to have to get up sometime and it didn’t really matter whether she did so sooner or later. Waiting only made her more tired and gave her more time to stress so Amanda pulled herself together and got up from the couch.

“I’m going to bed”, she said, not even suggesting that Olivia take the bed. If she wanted to stay here that was her choice and Rollins wasn’t going to give her privacy or comfort up for it.

Liv smiled and looked Amanda in the eye. “Okay, good night”, she said.”And let me know if you need anything” She added as an after thought.

The blonde rolled her eyes in annoyance and walked toward her bedroom door. She braced herself and straightened her back. Olivia noticed but didn’t comment. Then Amanda opened the door and walked in without looking, shutting the door behind her as soon as she’d completely entered the room.

It wasn’t as big as mess as she’d expected. The CSU guys had cleaned up all the wood chips from the smashed door frame and they’d even gone through the trouble of putting the mattress back into the bed, something they usually didn’t do.

Her attacker had been bleeding when he’d gotten to her. He had been on that bed. The CSU techs must’ve taking her original mattress with them as evidence. Someone had made sure she’d have a clean bed when she came home.

Briefly Amanda wondered if her captain had ordered them to do so but she quickly lost track of her thoughts as she kept staring at the bed.

It felt like his weight was pressing down on her again. She couldn’t breath because her longs refused to function like they should. She could hear his chuckle again, feel his hands on her body and she started shaking convulsively.

Without giving it a second thought she ran into the bathroom and shut the door with a loud thud, forgetting locking it behind her.

The shutting of the door was audible in the living room and Olivia looked up in shock.   
Something must’ve happened to set Amanda off when she’d gotten inside. Before she had realized it Olivia had gotten up and walked over to the bedroom door.

She didn’t bother knocking as she barged in. A quick look around told Liv that Amanda wasn’t in the room and she noticed how organized everything looked. But she didn’t spare the room a second thought because she had more important things to worry about right now.

The bathroom door was closed and she gently knocked on it. “Amanda sweetie, are you in there?”. The only reply she got was a muffled sob and Olivia decided to set aside any caution she had felt before.

Amanda was sitting in a bathtub that was in the corner of the bathroom. She was hugging her knees to her chest and tears were staining her pale cheeks.

As she looked up from her spot desperation was clearly visible in her eyes. Olivia’s heart broke yet again as she saw her frail colleague sitting there with such sadness on her face. She wanted to hug the poor girl and comfort her.

Slowly Liv made her way over to the tub. As she crouched down beside it she carefully lifted up her left arm and reached it out to touch Amanda’s shoulder.

The blonde jumped at the touch and her eyes darted towards the hand that was now holding her. She then looked up at Olivia’s face, as though surprised to see her there.  
“It’s okay. It’s just me. I’m not going to hurt you Amanda. Just try to calm down”.  
It was then that Amanda realized she was still hyperventilating and she forced herself to slow down her breathing.

When she had her lung function back under control she slowly sat up straighter, letting go of her knees and putting her hands on the edge of the bathtub.

As she tried to lift herself up and stand Amanda nearly toppled over and Liv quickly got her arm around Amanda’s waste. “It’s okay I’ve got you” She said and she helped Amanda climb out of the tub.

Olivia guided Amanda back to the door but she was unsure of how to proceed. The bedroom had obviously set Amanda off and the last thing they needed was a repeat of that. Yet she couldn’t avoid the bed forever. If Liv was sure of anything it was that Amanda wouldn’t leave her apartment out of fear.

She needed to get reacquainted with the surroundings without everything being clouded by bad memories.

There was really only one thing left to do.

“I’m gonna help you get to the bed okay. I’ll be there every step of the way”.

Amanda froze for a second. She wasn’t ready for this in the slightest. She’d been wrong about coming back here. But she also knew she would never forgive herself for being weak if she didn’t at least try and Olivia being there certainly made things easier. So she nodded.

And thus Olivia led her towards the bed and gently sat her down at the nearest side. Amanda was shaking all over but she couldn’t get herself to stop.

Liv hurried to the other side of the bed and climbed onto it. She then gently tugged on Amanda’s shoulders and pulled her so that she was lying on the bed with her head on the pillow. The blond assisted by putting her legs on the bed as well and now she was lying stoically on her back.

Olivia laid down beside her colleague but on her side so she could keep looking at her. “Amanda honey, just breath. Everything is okay. You’re good”.

Until then Amanda hadn’t even noticed she wasn’t breathing and she gulped in a breath of fresh air.

When her breathing had settled once more Amanda carefully shifted so she too was laying on her side, facing Olivia. She looked into the big brown globes of her colleague and instantly felt herself calm down.

“Thank you” Amanda mouthed, almost soundlessly and Olivia smiled. “Don’t mention it”.

They stayed this way through the entire night, both thinking about everything that had happened. Amanda finally fell asleep around two o’clock but Olivia continued to watch her carefully, making sure she was still sleeping soundlessly.

Before long however Liv’s eyes also started to close and as sleep came over her she murmured one final sentence. “You’re okay love, you’re okay”.


	18. Chapter 18

They awoke the next morning to a watery sun shining through the bedroom window. Both women were strangely well rested, especially considering how short and how emotional their night had been.

Amanda felt more awkward around Liv than ever before. She’d been so weak last night. After insisting on being fine she had just fallen down again and Liv was the one who had picked up the pieces. Again.

Fortunately Amanda had been the one to wake first. She had gotten up from the bed and gone into the shower, grabbing some fresh clothes out of her closet on the way.

Last nights events were still fresh on her mind and she was in need of a shower.

Waking up next to her colleague like that had really startled her. They’d been in such close proximity. However nothing had happened besides just laying together. And Amanda knew that nothing would happen. They were just becoming close friends.

Besides the fact that Amanda had no idea whatsoever if Liv was even bisexual, that wasn’t how she viewed her. Not to mention that Liv was still in a relationship with Brian.

After taking a shower and fixing herself up a bit Amanda braced herself and walked out of the bathroom, only the find Liv still sound asleep.

Amanda figured that the brunette had probably stayed awake for a long time after she herself had slipped into unconsciousness so that she could make sure Amanda was really okay. She appreciated the gesture and decided to start on breakfast as a thank you.

It didn’t even come close to being enough but it was a start.

An hour later Amanda was sitting at her dinner table with a steaming mug of coffee in her hands when Olivia walked into the living room.

“Good morning”, They simultaneously greeted, and they both smiled cautiously.

“There’s pancakes on the stove if you’re hungry” Amanda said and she gestured to the kitchen. Liv smirked and made her way over there.

Amanda watched her as she walked. She realized that the brunette was an exceptionally beautiful woman. She had gorgeous hazelnut eyes and a voluptuous figure. Yet Amanda felt no sexual attraction toward her whatsoever. She was happy being just friends. And besides she still didn’t even know if Olivia was in any way interested in women.

While Amanda was contemplating this Olivia grabbed some cutlery from a drawer and piled a couple of pancakes on a plate. “Where’s the syrup” She asked as she opened up two of the upper cabinets, “Never mind I found it”.  
After pouring a decent amount of maple syrup on her breakfast Liv joined Amanda at the table and dug into her food.

“These are delicious” Olivia noted as she swallowed a bite of pancakes. Amanda smiled at the older detectives enjoyment. “Thanks, it’s a family recipe” she said, and seeing Liv’s disbelieve she explained, “It was my dads. He used to make us pancakes every day for breakfast when we were kids. You know, before he died”.

Olivia nodded and her smile faded slightly. “It’s nice that you still have the recipe he used”.

They both understood the significance behind the sentence but didn’t comment on it further. There was no need, they already knew.

Amanda quickly changed the subject. Into something equally heavy unfortunately, but also something very important. “I think I’m going to see dr. Lindstrom today” She said quietly, “I know I need to talk about what happened last night and I need help dealing with it. From a professional”.

She hoped she hadn’t insulted Liv by saying this, but she knew she really needed more help than Liv alone could give her.

“I think it’ll be good if I go alone, so that you can focus on the case” Amanda couldn’t bare saying ‘my case’, “You’re the best sex crimes detective I know and the guys need you on this”.

Olivia smiled and didn’t look offended in any way. “Sure, if that’s what you want. I’ll drop you off at his office on my way into work”. 

 

So an hour later Olivia walked into the squad room without Amanda. "Please tell me you found something yesterday" She said to Nick and Fin, "Because I'm running out of ideas".

The detectives' faces immediately told her there was something, but nothing that did them any good right now. Nick confirmed her suspicions. "We found out something interesting. We now know where Lazinski is but the DNA proves his innocence. That other guy, John Parker, turns out he’s on parole but he hasn’t been sighted in over a month. But get this, his DNA wasn’t in the system anymore due to some technical screw up". Olivia sighed. The DNA being lost was a blessing in disguise, because It meant they still had at least one viable suspect, but their chances of solving this case were still getting slimmer by the day and there wasn't much she could do about it. By the looks of it her male colleagues shared her feelings of desperation. However she had to keep trying. Not only for Amanda’s sake but also for her own and the rest of the squad’s.>

"Has he got any relatives, in the area or not, just anyone he would trust?".

Nick checked a file that was on his desk. "No, his only relative was his brother. He must've been pretty pissed when Amanda shot him" He said and but Liv already knew this. "We already know he's got motive, and probably even opportunity. What we need now is to know where he is".

Olivia groaned in frustration. "There has got to be something we can find!".

This time Fin checked his files. "Parker's got an ex fiancée. Might be worth checking her out. See if she's heard from him at all".

"Let's go" Liv said and she got up from her chair, glad that there was finally something they could do.


	19. Chapter 19

"And you're positive you haven't heard from him?" Liv asked Maura Robbins, their suspect's former fiancée.

"Trust me," The redhead answered, "If I'd seen him I'd remember and you'd know because I would have called the cops. I've got a restraining order out against him. The guy's a nut job. I can handle some temperament but he’s a regular psycho".

This seemed interesting to Olivia, who raised her eyebrows at fin and continued on her line of questioning. "In what way? Was he abusive?".

Ms Robbins nodded. "He started out sweet but once we got engaged his temper started showing on the surface. He'd get angry over the smallest things. His abuse was mostly mental at first, with a lot of yelling. But then he started knocking me around as well and I got the hell out of there".

A flicker of fear passed the woman's eyes and Olivia knew that despite her calm demeanor it was difficult for her to talk about it. Fortunately they had gotten as much out of this interview as they were going to get. Which unfortunately still wasn’t much.   
"Thank you misses Robbins, you've been really helpful. If you think of anything else or if he happens to contact you, give me a call". Liv handed the red head her card and then she and Fin went back to the precinct.

"So get this" Fin half yelled at Nick as soon as they set foot in the squad room, "our guy Parker has a temper, a bad one. Not to mention a history of violence".

Nick looked up with his internal conflict showing on his face. Olivia completely understood where he was coming from. The history of violence made him the perfect suspect, and more easy to prosecute, yet it also meant he had experience in covering his tracks, and beating someone up.

"The ex did give us one of his old hang outs, a Barney's Bar. Apparently it was one of his favorite places to go and relax after being angry. I'd say it's worth checking it out, see if they've heard from him".

Liv said this while holding Nick's gaze. She was trying to tell him without words to not give up yet, they were going to get the son of a bitch.

In some sort of silent agreement it had been clear to all three of them that Olivia was going to do most of the legwork, and that the guys would take turns in accompanying her. Since Fin went with last time it was now Nick's turn and he quickly grabbed his coat.

"Let's walk Nick, it's not far from here" Liv said as they walked out the door. It was in fact a little bit further than not far from here but Olivia wanted a chance to talk to her partner and this seemed like a good time.  
Nick nodded as a response and together they went on their way.

For a small while both detectives were silent but Liv decided it was time to start up a conversation. "What's eating you partner? You seem distracted".

"Nothing, it's… nothing" He stammered and she knew at once that she had hit a nerve. "Come on Nick, I'm your partner, I know when something's off. You can tell me".

He hesitated but then he let it out "I'm worried we'll never get this guy. And I think Rollins won't survive that, nor our team. We've put so much time into this case and we've got basically nothing". The frustration was evident in his voice.

"Look Nick, I know it's frustrating and tiring right now, but we are making progress. We've got a proper suspect and we've got DNA. Once we pick him up we'll have him. He will go to jail, we will make sure of that, okay? You just need to have a little bit more patience".

Nick nodded. He was passionately determined to get Amanda's rapist. She meant a lot to him and he sincerely hoped their perp would give him a good excuse to shoot him.

"I think we're here" Said Olivia, and indeed they were standing in front of what looked like a dodgy bar. Above the door was a sign that, barely readable, said 'Barney's bar'. The windows were all taped up and smudged with dirt and the front door looked like it was ready to fall off it's hinges.

The detectives looked at each other with raised eyebrows and then Nick lead them through the front door.

The inside of the bar wasn't any better, or cleaner for that matter. There was a layer of dust on the floor and a dim light showed that the tables were covered in dirt as well.

While trying to convince herself not to call the hazard team Olivia walked over to the bar, behind which a balding, middle aged man was drying a glass with a dirty rag. He was the only one in there and Liv wondered how this place stayed in business.

"Excuse me, NYPD" Olivia said and she flashed her badge, "We're looking for this man, and we've been told he's a regular here. Have you seen him?" She placed the mug shot they had of parker on the bar.

"I don't remember poppet, what's it to you?". At this point Nick charged forward and grabbed the bartender by the hem of his shirt. "It's detective to you, show some respect. We won't hesitate to send the health department on your ass. Now have you seen the guy or not".

Olivia shot him a warning look but the threat seemed to have fulfilled its purpose.

"Okay, okay. Just calm the fuck down" The bartender gasped and he took a step back as Nick let go of his t-shirt, "He comes in almost every day, late in the afternoon, he should be here any second".

Nick smiled smugly but the smile held no joy, just satisfaction at the small victory. "There, that wasn't too hard now was it?"he said, "My colleague and I are going to sit in the corner and wait for our guy, you just keep quiet".

Realizing that now wasn't the proper time to talk to Nick about his behavior, Olivia walked to the table he had indicated and sat down in the seat that gave her the best outlook on the door. Nick joined her silently.

And, true to the bartenders word, not five minutes later John Parker walked into the bar.  
Once their perp had settled Liv shot Amaro a warning look that let him know to let her do the talking and then made her way over.

"Good day mister Parker. My name is detective Olivia Benson and this is my partner Nick Amaro. We'd like you to accompany us to the station. We've got a couple of questions we need to ask you".

The man looked as unimpressed as he could, like he was merely bored by a couple of cops looking for him. It wasn't his first rodeo, that much was clear. "Just lemme finish my drink first. Then I'll come quietly".

At this point however Nick had had enough of standing on the sidelines and he stepped forward. "No you don't, we need you sober. Let's go". And without another word he dragged the man off by his shoulder.


	20. Chapter 20

Back at the precinct Olivia Benson was standing behind the one way glass that decorated their interrogation rooms. She was looking at John Parker. He was seated in a chair opposite her and a guard stood watch in the corner in case he tried anything.

But there seemed no risk of him stepping out of line, at least not at the moment. He was slouched in his chair, hands on the table and a smug grin on his face. He was looking straight at the mirror in front of him, as if he knew that she was standing there watching him. His intense look was disturbing to Olivia and it didn't help that she had never before seen someone sit so comfortably and at ease while waiting for an interrogation to start.

From the corner of her eye she noticed Cragen walking up beside her and standing next to her. "The scumbag looks awfully calm for someone who's sitting in an interrogation room" he said and their eyes met. It was never a good sign and they both knew it. Either he was so cocky that he believed he'd never get caught and that they had nothing on him, or he didn't do it.

"I know" She replied, "If only we still had his DNA. We haven’t really got anything to connect him to it yet. We need to start cracking him already".

Cragen nodded in understanding. They were both still very keen on catching Amanda's rapist, even if the chance were growing slimmer by the day. Hell, all four of them probably wouldn't rest until they had him. "Where is Amaro off to, doesn't he want in on the interrogation?".

"Yeah of course" She answered, "He's just going over Parker's arrest record one more time, to see if we missed anything". Her tone was mild but her patience was running out. She wanted to get started, with or without Amaro. Without him might very well even be a better idea, since he'd been pretty rough with their perp already.

As Olivia was thinking this Nick came walking up toward her and Cragen. "Ready to go" He said and without any further hesitation he opened the door to the interrogation room and walked in. Liv was positively annoyed by this, but yelling at Nick would have to wait till after the questioning of their perp.

The man in question sat up a little bit straighter at their entrance but otherwise gave no notice of being at all impressed or interested in the sudden development. He was still staring happily at the mirror.

Olivia moved to block his view and get his attention. She took a stand directly in front of him and his eyes met hers. His smile got even wider and he winked. "Hello detective, what a pleasure to see you again. May I ask why I'm seeing you at all?".

Parker had all the characteristics of a sociopath or psychopath Liv thought, as she smiled back. And she was about to reply when Amaro cut in. "Amanda Rollins, does that name ring a bell?".

Within seconds Parkers face turned harsh and bitter and he looked at Nick. "Of course it does. Bitch got me and my brother arrested a couple of times, and then went ahead and killed him".

"Sounds like you're pretty angry at her…" Liv interjected and their perps attention went back to her as he shot her a menacing look. "Of course I'm bloody angry, my brother's dead because of her. That doesn't mean I did anything to her though. Which I'm guessing someone did cause else you wouldn't be talking to me".

He sounded convincing but Amaro wasn't going to give up so easily. "Then you won't mind telling us where you were three nights ago" He said and he walked around the room to where Olivia was standing.

Parker met Nick's eyes arrogantly and tilted his head to the left. "I was in the same bar you so hard-handedly dragged me out of. You can check with the bartender. He and half a dozen other men saw me, probably remember me pretty well cause I was loosing bad at poker".

"We'll definitely check that" Liv said and she put her hands on the table and leaned forward, "Now do you know of anyone else who might want to hurt Amanda?" .

He looked at her incredulously. "She's a detective, ain't she? Like the rest of you lot." He spat out the word detective like it was the biggest insult he could make, "I'd think you'd be clever enough to realize she's made lots of enemies during in her career".

Nick also bent forward but he grabbed Parker's wrists, that were still laying on the table. "If I find out you had anything to do with this, you're gonna wish you were never born". He threw Parker's hands back on the table and stormed out, leaving behind a flabbergasted Olivia and a grinning suspect.

"You oughta talk to him about that temper of his" Said Parker and he smiled maliciously. "Now if there's nothing else, I think I'd better go".

But before he could stand up Liv sprang back into action. "Not so quick", She said, "I'd advise you to stay in the city until we tell you otherwise. And we'd also like a sample of your DNA".

He looked confused. "I'm in the system, what'd you need another sample for?". There was no reason to tell him about the mess up just yet so she avoided answering the question. "Just humor me, then you can go".

"Fine" he grunted, and without warning he spat on the table, "Here's my DNA, you happy now?". Olivia smiled "Extremely so, you're free to leave". Parker stood up and hasted out of the room.

As soon as he'd left the room, Melinda Warner walked in with a crime scene kit in her hand. She gently put it on the table and took out a swab and an evidence bag. While Melinda collected the DNA from the table Liv looked at her. "He's quite the charmer, isn't he?" She joked.

Warner looked up from her work and sighed. "It sure seems that way. I’ll try to run this as quickly as possible. How’s Amanda holding up?".

"Honestly, I’m not sure, but she seemed to be doing okay, considering the circumstances. I think putting this creep behind bars would really help".

The medical examiner nodded and gathered all her stuff. "I'll let you know when I get the results back. In the meantime, take care of yourself Olivia". And with that she left the interrogation room.

For a while Olivia just stood there, ordering her thoughts. But eventually she sprang to action. She had no time to lose. There were witnesses to track down, partners to deal with and hopefully progress to be made. So she stalked out of the room as well, determined to get some results by the end of the day.


	21. Chapter 21

While Liv was busy at work, Amanda sat in the waiting room at dr. Lindstrom’s office, biding the time until she was allowed to go in. 

Strangely enough she wasn’t as nervous now as the last time she’d been here. Back then the appointment been mostly for Liv’s sake, and it had been Liv’s idea. This time though it was her own initiative, and that somehow made her a lot calmer. 

Obviously she was still nervous. People, especially not people as stubborn as detective Rollins, didn’t just get over their reservations, but at least she was here, and that had to be a good first step. 

When the receptionist that was sitting behind a desk in the corner gestured that Amanda could go in, the blonde stood up unwavering and walked to the door of Lindstrom’s office without second guessing her decision. 

After knocking on the door and hearing a “come in” from the other side Amanda entered the office. 

Not much had changed since the last time she had been there, even Lindstrom still looked pretty much the same. Maybe his beard was just slightly more defined. 

“Amanda, it’s good to see you again” He greeted her, “How have you been?”.

As she sat down on the couch with the doctor across from her she pondered about his question. How had she been? Certainly not good, but also not bad, considering the circumstances. She decided she should answer as truthfully as possible, that would make her recovery easier. “I’m not really sure. I spent the first night back in my apartment”. 

Lindstrom looked slightly surprised for a second, but like the professional he was he didn’t voice his disapproval. Not yet at least. 

“And how did that go?” He asked instead, and he looked her in the eye intently.

“Well..” She hesitated, but once again reminded herself to be truthful, “It was a good thing that Olivia insisted on being here. When I went into my bedroom I completely lost it and if she hadn’t pulled me through I would’ve spend the night in the bathtub”.  
Her cheeks flushed and she kept her head down so she wouldn’t have to look him in the eye. 

Doctor Lindstrom waited a few seconds to give her some time, and then voiced what he was thinking. “Amanda, are you sure it’s good for you to be back there?”.  
She had expected the question and had her answer ready. “I won’t give him the power to run me out of my apartment. He already took too much from me” She said forcefully, “I won’t let him take this too. I’d never forgive myself if I moved out now”. 

He smiled at her and nodded. “I’d expected as much. I got the feeling you are just as headstrong as Olivia when you last came to see me. Now why don’t you tell me a bit more about what happened, and how you handled it”. 

Amanda hesitated. 

‘Trust’ She said to herself, and then she told him everything. About how she’d freaked out and shut herself in the bathroom. How Olivia had come in and basically carried her to the bed. How they’d slept together, in the literal sense of the word. All the while Lindstrom stayed quiet, only nodding every now and then to encourage her to go on.  
Amanda told him how she’d felt, and relived the entire experience. 

“But it wasn’t that bad in the end. Someone had made sure everything was cleaned up before I got there. And Olivia helped me realise the room in itself holds no significance”. Her cheeks flushed red again but this time she locked eyes with the doctor. 

“That’s good” he replied. “Now we just have to see what happens when you do eventually have to spend a night alone”. 

The next few minutes they talked about how Amanda could handle a panic attack next time one would arise when she was on her own. Lindstrom gave her some tips on how to keep calm, and just like that, their time was up.

“I’m afraid our time is up for today”, the doctor said, “but I would like for you to set up an appointment for next week with my receptionist. It’s important that you keep going to therapy. If not with me than with someone else”. 

Amanda thought about it. Lindstrom seemed nice enough and the fact that Liv trusted him made her trust him all the same. He felt like a good fit, at least for now.  
“That’d be good. I’ll schedule an appointment on my way out” She said and she gave him a shy smile. 

After staying true to her word and scheduling a follow up appointment Amanda left the building feeling slightly better. It’d be a challenge but the therapy sessions seemed to be helping and she was determined to make it work. 

She wasn’t sure where she should go now. Amanda was pretty certain that she’d be sent home if she went to work, but she couldn’t go home yet and it was worth a shot. At least she might be able to get an update on how… the case was progressing. Not that she was all that hopeful, but still. 

Instead of hailing a cab she decided to walk the short distance to the precinct. The fresh air would do her good and she was in no hurry anyway. 

The chilly air felt great against her skin and she kept up a brisk pace so she’d keep warm. Within ten minutes she reached the precinct and walked in, taking the stairs to get to the squad room. 

When she walked she noticed how terribly empty it was. As far as she could tell Nick was the only one present. He was sitting hunched over his desk with a phone in his hand, obviously frustrated with the person he was speaking too. He hadn’t noticed her walk in yet and she decided to wait for his call to end until she made her presence known. 

It didn’t take Nick long to finish up. Amanda could hear his voice more clearly as he ended the conversation. “Thanks a lot. You’ll be hearing from our ADA” He said sarcastically, and then he threw his phone down on the desk. “Hijo de puta”. 

“I’m pretty sure it’s against protocol to threaten people with a call from Barba” Amanda said and she chuckled slightly when he nearly jumped out of his chair in surprise. 

“Amanda, hey. What are you doing here? I thought the captain ordered you to take a few days?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Technically he didn’t yet. It was worth a shot. And besides, I was hoping I could get an update, you know… on the case”. She couldn’t bare to think ‘my case’, let alone say it out loud. 

Nick furrowed his brow. “I’m not sure if I’m supposed to..” but she cut him off quickly. “Please Nick, I need to know”. 

The glimpse of emotion that came with her plea pushed him over the edge and he nodded. “Okay, but lets get lunch first. We can talk after we’ve eaten”. 

Amanda shook her head. Apparently Liv’s smothering and overwhelming need to take care of her was catching. Or maybe it had always been there, she admitted quietly to herself.

“Fine” She groaned in mock annoyance, ”but I’m buying”. And without waiting for him to follow her she walked out, so that he couldn't see the hint of a smile that was on her face.


	22. Chapter 22

After quickly grabbing his coat Nick jogged to catch up with Amanda. She was nearly out the front door by the time he reached her and he put on his coat.

For a moment they just stood on the sidewalk, neither of them quite sure what to say. It was Nick who finally broke the tension. “So, what d’you wanna have for lunch”. 

The next half hour went by with relative ease. The familiarity of getting lunch together combined with their previous get together made it easier for them to just talk about unimportant things and keep away any residual awkwardness. The only hiccup occurred when they had to decide where to eat their Chinese take out food. 

“I was thinking we could head back to my place to eat all of this. It might be more comfortable to sit there, you know… if we’re gonna talk” Nick said hesitantly.   
Amanda nodded and together they set off again, walking the rest of the way in a laden silence. 

They got to Nick’s apartment pretty quickly and, after putting their lunch on plates, ate while watching tv.

When Amanda felt she’d had quite enough to eat, her appetite wasn’t yet back to normal, she set down her plate on the coffee table and reached for the remote so she could turn of the tv.   
“You gotta tell me Nick” She said and she looked him in the eye, “I need to know” . 

A promise was a promise so Nick told her all they had found out so far, leaving out non of the details. 

Amanda hadn’t shown any surprise at first so it was clear that Liv had told her at least part of it already, but when he came to the part about Parker’s DNA no longer being in the system, and him now being the only viable suspect, Nick saw tears well up in her eyes.   
“We’re just checking up with some alibi’s and witnesses while we’re waiting for the DNA result to come in” He concluded.

She hadn’t responded yet and couldn’t look him in the eye either. “Amanda, we’re gonna get this guy. I promise you”. She still didn’t say anything but she wiped a tear from her cheek. As her hand came back down from her face he reached out and grabbed it on impulse. 

The way she reacted shocked him like never before, and he nearly let go of her hand again. But the way she was clutching it for dear life told him that it hadn’t been her touch that had upset her. 

Amanda was crying uncontrollably, and yet soundlessly. Nick had never seen her like this and it scared him a little bit. He didn’t know what to do so he just went with his instinct and scooted closer. 

“Hey” he whispered and he lifted her chin with the hand that wasn’t holding hers, “it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay”. 

Out of the blue she pressed her lips to his. 

As Nick got over his initial shock and contemplated if he should return her kiss, he realised that this wasn’t a good idea. Amanda was in an emotional state and she’d regret it later.   
He gently pulled away. 

Before he could say anything however Amanda jumped up from the couch and him. She felt mortified. Here was Nick, this incredibly sweet guy, and her partner she might add, trying to comfort her and she’d just jumped him like that. 

“Nick, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that” She said while looking anywhere but at him, “I don’t know what came over me”. 

“It’s ok…” He started saying, but she interrupted him. “No it’s not. I’m really sorry. I better go”. 

At this point Nick got up from the couch too and he slowly started to walk towards her, with his hands up in surrender. “Amanda, just try to calm down, okay? It doesn’t matter, I understand. Now please come sit on the couch with me”. 

Amanda had no idea what he was doing, and if he was honest with himself neither did Nick, but he led them back to the couch and sat down with crossed legged. He then pulled Amanda sideways onto his lap. 

It was a rather strange sensation being this close. But somehow it also felt very comforting and after a slight hesitation Amanda rested her head on Nick’s shoulder. 

They stayed like that for what felt like hours. Amanda clutching Nick’s shirt with her fists and crying quietly. Nick pretending not to notice the tears and rubbing her back soothingly, occasionally murmuring something sweet in Spanish. 

Eventually though Amanda like she couldn’t cry no more and the unclenched her fists, letting go of the now completely crumpled fabric.   
She didn’t wanna get up and leave the comforting warmth that Nick had provided, but she knew it was time and so she carefully stood. 

She shot him a shy smile. “Thank you. For everything”. 

“No problem. Look I should probably head back to the station cause they’ll be wondering where I am, but how about we have dinner tonight?”   
Amanda looked surprised at his offer but there was no displeasure in her eyes. “That’d be nice”.   
“Okay then” Nick said, “That’s a deal”. 

 

When Nick got back to the station it became clear that his colleagues has been wondering what he was up to. Upon his arrival he was greeted by Fin. “Hey Amaro, where have you been?”. 

At the mention of his name Liv came walking towards them as well, a quizzical look on her face. 

“I was with Amanda” He replied, “She came in here to get an update on the case and I said I’d tell her after we had lunch. So that’s what we did”. 

Liv’s eyes filled with worry and she rubbed the back of her neck. “How did she take it? Is she okay?”.   
“She’s fine Olivia”, he said but she frowned at him. “I mean..” He hesitated because he didn’t wanna betray Amanda’s trust, “she wasn’t at first, but she is now”.   
“And besides,” He added as an afterthought, “She needed to know”.   
Both Fin and Liv nodded in understanding. 

“Right, let’s get back to work” Liv said, “We need to get this guy”. And with that, they all set of to do what they had to do.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second Law & Order SVU fic I've written. I'm a big fan of the characters, especially Rollins, and I'm also a sucker for drama and heartache. I hope you bear with me and I hope you like it. I'll try to update as quickly as possible but no promises.


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